New York Magazine’s Grub Street blog points to a glorified press release wire story about the menu created by James Sakatos at the Carlyle Cafe for the Academy’s official New York Oscar viewing party, with one course devoted to each of the five Best Picture nominees. Sakatos says he watched all five films in a weekend and took copious notes before putting the menu together, but he’s apparently not much of a deep reader, because each entree is a thuddingly literal interpretation of the film’s themes––and at least one isn’t even accurate.

For instance: There Will Be Blood is represented by Sakatos’ favorite dish of the five, a squid ink risotto with mushrooms, cuttlefish and blood orange foam. That sounds awesome, but the last thing I think of when I think of Daniel Plainview is a delicate seafood risotto. Check out Sakatos’ description of why this is more appropriate than, say, cold steak and a milkshake: “The black ink brings to mind the film’s oil gushers, with blood orange foam to remind diners of the struggle and, of course, the title.” OF COURSE. How silly of me.

Way, way, way worse, is Sakatos’ justification of how Dover sole is the embodiment of Michael Clayton: “George Clooney’s morally conflicted lawyer found his ’sole’ and ultimately did the right thing.” Yes, he did it––he went for the sole/soul pun, apparently unconcerned with the irony that he’s now planning to feed a placebo for George Clooney’s soul to a couple of hundred rich people, in honor of a film that’s about a man’s victory over the bloodthirsty rich.

But then it gets EVEN WORSE when the unthinkable happens: Sakatos makes me want to defend Juno. The first course, a “roasted parsnip tart, fresh shaved black truffle and perigourdine sauce,” represents Jason Reitman’s scrappy little underdog chugga-chugga choo-choo train that could. As Sakatos explains it, the dish was inspired by “Ellen Page’s fun and somewhat tarty portrayal of Juno.” “Tarty”? Did he accidentally watch the wrong pregnant teenager movie? Ellen Page is a lot of things in Juno, and “tart” might be one of them, but “tarty” definitely is not.

It should be noted that Grub Street attempts their own corrective to Sakatos’ menu, and it’s a LOT better. Although, I do think the food at Hill Country is pretty disappointing, and if you want to celebrate No Country For Old Men via bourbon and barbeque, you should go to Fette Sau instead.

</foodie rant>