I have previously only attended the South by Southwest Film Festival as a feature film director (in both 2006 and 2007, with Cocaine Angel and Silver Jew, respectively). This year, however, I have no new film to present. Until I can find my way back into the director’s chair, it looks like I have a new calling in film festival life, that of a film reviewer (Hammer to Nail). Now that I’ve had a chance to settle into the groove of this new festival perspective, I thought it might be interesting to compare and contrast the life of a film director versus that of a film reviewer, specifically with regards to SXSW. Let us break down a day-in-the-life of each and see how they measure up.

9:00am

2007: Wake up, shower
2008: Wake up, shower

9:30am

2007: Eat breakfast at Las Manitas
2008: Eat breakfast at Las Manitas

10:30am

2007: Check email
2008: Check email

11:00am

2007: Watch my movie (do a 10-minute post-film Q&A)
2008: Watch a movie (sit through the 10-minute post-film Q&A)

1:00pm

2007: Watch another movie
2008: Watch another movie

3:15pm

2007: Bump into a friend, grab some lunch
2008: Bump into a friend, grab some lunch

4:00pm

2007: Watch another movie
2008: Watch another movie

6:00pm

2007: Day gathering somewhere (chill with friends, drink some beers)
2008: Day gathering somewhere (chill with friends, drink some beers)

7:00pm

2007: Watch a movie (order popcorn and a beer)
2008: Watch a movie (order popcorn and a beer)

9:45pm

2007: Give up on 10 o’clock movie, find party to attend
2008: Give up on 10 o’clock movie, find party to attend

10:00pm

2007: Drink, talk, drink, talk, drink, talk…
2008: Drink, talk, drink, talk, drink, talk…

2:32am

2007: Go to bed
2008: Call girlfriend, go to bed

As you can see, life as a film director versus that of a film reviewer is an altogether different beast. And it’s not just the obvious things, such as arriving at the Austin airport and being mobbed by journalists and paparazzi clamoring to get a piece of you, or being stopped on the street by crying fans who can’t believe they’re standing on the same sidewalk as you, or having beautiful women of all shapes and sizes telling you that you are a beautiful genius and they need to have your baby (or at least perform the baby-making act). No, for me the more profound differences being a film director and a film reviewer at South by Southwest are actually the more seemingly insignificant ones. I jotted down a pretty extensive list of examples that I’d like to present to you in its unedited form so you can have a more concrete idea of what I’m talking about…

– whoa, it’s way colder here than it was last year

– good idea to have the opening night party in a bar and not a tent since it’s so cold outside

– Iron Works is amazing

– the Alamo really is the best place to watch a movie in the whole world

– it feels like there are more people here than there were last year

While these glaring differences point out just how profoundly different the contrast is, there is an overriding feeling I have that makes this new role seem so foreign and strange. For example, last year I felt like a completely inferior film director who didn’t know what he was doing. This year, on the other hand, I feel like a completely inferior film reviewer who only knows nine adjectives and can’t express a good idea if a better writer stepped in and typed it out for him. It’s like black and white, or night and day, or skinny and fat. I might as well have become a woman in the intervening twelve months. While I appear to be the same person on the surface (I think I’m wearing the same clothes as last year, in fact), I couldn’t feel more different if I had a Peruvian great-grandmother’s veins and bones. It’s unsettling and bizarre.

Arriving in Austin this past Friday afternoon was like stepping into a world whose language I do not speak, whose culture I do not know. Last year, every street I walked down and every party I walked into, I was met with familiar, smiling faces. People really liked me! This year, it’s like I’m invisible. AJ Schnack kept saying, “Michael Who?” when I approached him. I spent three days trying to remind Jane Rizzo that she edited Silver Jew and was the one who introduced me to Caroline and Erika from FrontRunners (not to mention the fact that we were sharing a hotel room, a concept she didn’t seem to grasp). But the weirdest thing is that whenever I make eye contact with Matt Dentler his eyes widen and he looks down and away and disappears around the corner. I want to explain to him that as a film reviewer I’m perhaps even more beneficial to his festival than as a film director. I’m a film reviewer, not a pedophile! It’s like I’m living in a bad dream. Why won’t anybody talk to me???

I’ll be honest. I miss the perks that came with being a film director: the hot tubs, the free dinners, the groupies… all of it. But I miss my friends even more. That said, I’m not delusional. Each day that I wake up, I take a long, hard look into the blunt morning mirror to confront my true self, and I must accept the fact that in 2008, my life has taken a 180-degree turn for the worse. As my bank account dwindles by the second, as I struggle to find someone to acknowledge my existence, I wonder if I’m cut out for this business at all. I can’t wait to get out of this cruel, unfriendly town and return to Brooklyn, where everybody knows my name.