Before I get too deep into my Cannes coverage, it seems like it would be useful to explain the difference between the Marche du Film (AKA the market) and the festival proper. The Cannes Film Festival is what most people think of when they think of Cannes––it’s the flashy, sophisticated, exclusive showcase for the world’s finest and most famous filmmakers, and it’s curated within an inch of its life. The market is kind of like a free-for-all sideshow. There are no red carpet premieres or filmmaker Q & A’s, and most of the films play in tiny screening rooms in hotels or the Palais. Every film (or portion of a film––producers will sometimes screen show reels in order to raise funds or entice distributors before production is completed) in the Marche is for sale, and none have been vetted by a screening committee. This allows for an extraordinarily wide spectrum of quality. Earlier today, IFC announced that they’ve purchased US distribution rights to Olivier Assayas’ Summer Hours, a film that’s not in the Festival but is screening in the Marche with no restrictions on what kind of market badge holder is allowed to see it. But such a classy title screening quietly in the market seems to be unusual. More typical Marche fare includes Jean Claude Van Damme mock-biopic JCVD and Repo! The Genetic Opera, a horror musical starring Paris Hilton and Paul Sorvino; for whatever reason, both of these titles are screening by invitation only.

I have a market pass this year, and I spent much of my first two days in town meticulously combing through the market guide, taking note of both the surprise gems (I didn’t know there WAS a new Olivier Assayas film until I saw it listed in the guide) and the weirdly irresistible crap. Over the next few days, I’ll be highlighting some of the biggest WTF?s that this year’s Marche has to offer. And where better to start with weirdly irresistible WTF? crap than with Uwe Boll? I didn’t know HE had a new movie until I saw it in the guide, either.

So, it’s called Tunnel Rats. And it’s about Vietnam. Here’s the synopsis, copied straight from the guide and unedited:

During the Vietnam War 1959-1975 a special US combat unit is sent out to hunt and kill the Viet Cong soldiers in a man-to-man combat in the endless tunnels underneath the jungle of Vietnam. Suicide squads of a special kind.

Oooh, and there’s a trailer! It makes Tunnel Rats look a lot a movie based on a videogame based on Rescue Dawn. A representative scrap of dialogue: “I’m fucking dying, man! I’m fucking dying in this fucking hole!” Uwe Boll really has a way of cutting right to core of his character’s interior lives, don’t you think?

Tunnel Rats screened once on Friday, before I got into town; as of this writing, I haven’t seen or heard a word about how that screening went. It’s scheduled to play again this afternoon, but I have yet to decide whether or not to skip Raymond Depardon’s probably legitimately amazing documentary La Vie Moderne in order to behold Boll’s, um, different brand of amazements. Advice?