It took me awhile, but last week I finally saw Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. And to agree with many others, I think it features a few too many ludicrous moments. Yet the most outlandish, in my opinion, is the scene in which Indy and Marion seem to reenact His Girl Friday in about four seconds while riding in the back of a truck. I know it’d been awhile, both for them and for us, but I prefer a little more bickering, a little more holding back in comedy of remarriage plots.

Anyway, we knew a long time ago, thanks to Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, that Indy and Marion didn’t last long together after the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. So, I didn’t really care if they ended up together at the end of Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, either. It’s probable they still wouldn’t last. And I think the same often with other unlikely movie couples at the end of their respective films. Fortunately, a number of sequels tell us outright that the romance of the first film failed (see The Karate Kid, Part II and Jurassic Park III). Unfortunately, most of the following films didn’t have follow-ups. But if they had, I bet we’d have discovered the romances didn’t last much longer than the closing credits.

1. Bringing Up Baby: Dr. David Huxley (Cary Grant) and Susan Vance (Katherine Hepburn) - As is the case with most screwball comedies, the leads here just don’t seem that compatible. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised to hear that Susan was quickly shipped off to a mental hospital for being such a daffy loon. Then there’s the matter of her destroying Huxley’s work at the end. No man would really put up with that, even if there were some attraction. And I never actually bought that there is any attraction from his end.
   
2. Ghostbusters and Ghostbusters II: - Dr. Peter Venkman (Bill Murray) and Dana Barrett (Sigourney Weaver) - This franchise utilizes the device of having the couple split up between the first and second films only to get back together at the finish of the sequel. I understand that audiences prefer a happy ending, but when you know they didn’t work out the first time, why would you believe they could work a second time? Because Dana’s baby seems to like Venkman? Apparently so. But those of us who watched the cartoon series The Real Ghostbusters know that had they remained a couple, Dana would have been animated along with the rest of the characters.
3. Amelie - Amelie Poulain (Audrey Tautou) and Nino Quincampoix (Matthieu Kassovitz) - Despite what Hong Kong audiences who saw Happenstance might think, Amelie has not been given a sequel. So we are just to assume that Amelie and Nino live happily ever after, despite the fact that they’ve only just met right before the end of the film. And we never really get to see them have a conversation, either. We just know that Amelie is kind of a creepy, albeit adorable, stalker and that Nino works in a porn shop. Hopefully he kicked her off his motorcycle as soon as the Yann Tiersen score was over (because then she can come stalk me — see, I’m just bitter with this one).
4. Chungking Express: Cop 663 (Tony Leung) and Faye (Faye Wong) - Faye is kind of like the precursor to Amelie, as she’s something of a stalker — but it’s OK, because she’s so darn cute. While the ending of Wong Kar-wai’s film is ambiguous, we’re kind of expected to believe these two end up together. But what happens when Cop 663 realizes how often Faye broke into his apartment? And how often she plays “California Dreaming” over and over and over again? And how capricious girls are tolerable for only so long?
5. The Muppets Take Manhattan: Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy - When I was a kid, I thought it made sense for the frog and the pig to be married at the end of this film. Their relationship had been like a Sam & Diane sort of thing for so many years, it seemed inevitable. But when I got older, I realized that Kermit really has no feelings for Piggy, and it’s even evident by his expression during the wedding scene. And I became angry that Jim Henson and Co. would allow kids to applaud the beginnings of what would be a loveless marriage. While writing this, though, I found out from the Muppet Wiki that in “real life” Kermit denies they were really married and that it was just part of the movie. Apparently Piggy claims otherwise. Meanwhile, for people who are actually fans of the relationship, you can see what their offspring would look like in The Muppet Christmas Carol.
6. Some Like It Hot: Joe (Tony Curis) and Sugar Kane Kowalczyk (Marilyn Monroe) - I’ve never been accepting of characters who woo women with deception such as costume and false identities, and there have been countless examples in both movies and TV throughout the years. Some Like It Hot probably isn’t the first film to feature such fraudulence, but because Joe fools Sugar Kane by being both a good girl friend and a rich suitor he’s double guilty. I trust that even the relationship between Jerry/Daphne (Jack Lemmon) and Osgood Fielding III (Joe E. Brown) lasted longer.
7. Tootsie: Michael Dorsey (Dustin Hoffman) and Julie Nichols (Jessica Lange) - This one is pretty much the same as the relationship in Some Like It Hot, only it’s a bit more respectable because Michael is less aggressive in his falling for Julie. Sure, there’s one scene where he’s not in drag and he attempts a kinda sleazy maneuver, but at least he never takes on a yachting outfit and Cary Grant voice. Thankfully, there is no kiss at the end of Tootsie, just forgiveness, and we’re left to think Michael and Julie will only become acquaintances at best. I have doubts that even that relationship lasted very long.
8. Juno: Juno MacGuff (Ellen Page) and Paulie Bleeker (Michael Cera) - High school movie romances should never be believed to last (especially the couples formed at the end of The Breakfast Club). I know, there are a number of high school sweethearts that do get married and live happily ever after. But most of us are not with the boy or girl we dated in high school. Even if there is a baby involved. Personally, I think Paulie Bleeker is too good for Juno, and I think he probably goes on to college and moves on with his life, while doing his part to contribute to the baby, of course*.
9. Two Weeks Notice: Lucy Kelson (Sandra Bullock) and George Wade (Hugh Grant) - I’ve witnessed first-hand that opposites can attract. And if I hadn’t, I could always use James Carville and Mary Matalin as a prime example of a couple who shouldn’t work but do. Nonetheless, I don’t buy the union of her environmental lawyer and his billionaire real estate tycoon. Nor do I buy the union of Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks in the similar pair-up of You’ve Got Mail. If relationships like that were believable, we wouldn’t have so much enjoyed the affair between Jack and C.C. on 30 Rock.
10. The Graduate: Ben Braddock (Dustin Hoffman, again) and Elaine Robinson (Katherine Ross) - I always assumed it would ultimately bother Elaine too much that Ben had an affair with her mother. I guess if we’re to believe Buck Henry’s cameo in The Player, though, they live quite happily ever after … with Mrs. Robinson.

*Hmm. I don’t know why I thought he would have anything to do with the baby. Oops.