No, it’s not just an urban internet rumor: winners of Webby Awards really are restricted to five word speeches. Last night at the Webby Film and Video Awards––the slightly lower-key web video-centric run-up to tonight’s big real super Webbys proper––host Judah Friedlander threatened to kill any winner who went over the limit. I guess the finest minds in the world of web video live in fear of comedians with gimmicky hats, because by my count, only one winner went over, and Friedlander decided to let her slide on the grounds that she was “pretty hot.”

So: it now falls to us to hand out our own awards, in our own totally made-up categories, for the best and worst use of the alloted five words of the night. The nomination and selection process was extremely arbitrary; all voting was done by me whilst sitting in the back row of the show, and the results were undoubtedly influenced by the 2.5 glasses of complementary chardonnay that I enjoyed at the pre-show reception. The full list of winners and losers after the jump; the winning video from one of our Best Speech winners is embedded above.

Best Paranoia: Michel Gondry, honored as Person of the Year: “People are full of germs.”

Best Use of The Podium For Professional Plugging: The young lady who accepted on behalf of the People’s Voice winner for Best Student Video, Building a Better Future: “NYU? Full scholarship? Call me.”

Most Unnecessary Use of the Podium For Professional Plugging: Tay Zonday, winner of the People’s Voice award for Best Viral, and Dr. Pepper shillman: “Contact me for voice work.”

Best Unexpectedly Heartfelt Moment: A winner from Hometown Baghdad, accepting the award for Best Reality: “Brave Iraqis made this happen.”

Best Unexpectedly Heartfelt Moment, Part 2: Another rep from the Hometown Baghdad team (unfortunately, those accepting awards were not identified by name), accepting the award for Public Service and Activism: “Okay, brave Iraqis–stand up.” Four or five of the Iraqis featured in the series stood and pounded their fists in the air as the suddenly-sincere crowd applauded.

Worst Show Of Bitterness: The woman accepting the award for the Mike’s Got Mail, the People’s Voice winner for Best Reality, immediately after Baghdad was announced as the choice of the judges in that category: “Well, hard to follow that.”

Worst Dressed: Alex Albrecht, came on stage to accept the People’s Voice Award for Diggnation wearing a shirt, tie and boxers. His speech: “Has anyone seen my pants?”

Most Topical: The rep from the New York Times‘ Frugal Traveler, who won in the Travel category: “Please don’t climb our building.”

Most Disappointing Celebrity Speech, Part One: Lorne Michaels, accepting his Lifetime Achievement Award: “Five words is not enough.”

Most Disappointing Celebrity Speech, Part Two: David Wain, winner for Best Comedy Series for Wainy Days: “Well well well well well.”

Worst Use Of Delayed Punchline: One member of the You Suck at Photoshop crew came up to accept their win of the People’s Voice award for Comedy series and said, “We’re auctioning off Word 5.” I thought he was making a software joke and assumed it was something for the nerds. Then, like, an hour later (or at least, what felt like it), accepting both the juried and audience awards in the DIY category, another Photoshopper filled in the punchline: “And now, Word Five: Nokia.” Oh. I get it. Heh…?

Best Optimistic New Media Update of Old Media Catchphrase: Rick Gershon, maker of Documentary Individual Episode winner Coney Island: An Uncertain Future: “The revolution will be webcast.”

Best Reality Check: The winner of the award for Best Viral, from Here Comes Another Bubble (above): “Video? Check. Webby? Check. Profit … ?”

Most Shocking Intercategory Diss: Accepting the Best Drama Series award, which they won against a host of higher profile web hits like Afterworld, Kate Modern and Lonely Girl 15, The West Side creators Ryan Bilsborrow-Koo and Zachary Liebermann broke the “one accepter per award” rule and went on stage together. The former started the sentence and the latter finished it: “Feeling Lonely now…” “…huh, Girl?” A hush fell over the crowd. And then…

Worst Time To Stick To The Classy Script: Immediately after that, the Lonely Girl team had to send someone up to accept their People’s Voice award in the same category. The speech (”Cast, crew, community, family: thanks”) didn’t even try to serve The West Side boys a comeback.

…and finally, the Best All-Around Acceptance Speech of the Night: A cute girl came on stage to accept dual wins in the Writing category for Onion News Network. She first planted an unscripted open-mouthed kiss on Judah Friedlander (yes, it was as retina-burning as it sounds) and then offered the truest, most triumphant five word block of the night: “Together, we’ll make reading obsolete!”