Surely you are going to see The Dark Knight this weekend. Even if you already saw it at a preview screening last night/this morning, you’re probably geeky enough to be planning on seeing it again before Monday morning comes along. After all, Warner Bros. has dispersed a record amount of prints to a record amount of screens and the pundits are predicting a record box office gross for the weekend (never mind the fact that fellow new releases Mamma Mia! and Space Chimps and other still-strong blockbusters Hellboy II, Hancock and Wall-E will be supposedly be assisting in this matter). It’s almost being forced to be a monumental event. So, yeah, you’re totally going. You probably even already bought tickets, since Fandango reports that advance tickets for TDK have been the fastest sell since Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith (while writing this I received a new Fandango press release claiming they’re selling 10 TDK tickets per second today).

Wait, what? You say you’re skipping out on TDK this weekend? Not possible. Whatever your lame excuse, I have a rebuttal:

10. You Didn’t See Batman Begins - This should be a decent enough reason not to see TDK, except that apparently it’s not really necessary to see the previous installment. I’ve seen TDK called better than BB, I’ve seen it called The Godfather Part II of superhero movies and I’ve seen it called the Empire Strikes Back of the franchise. But more importantly, I’m pretty sure I read somewhere (or maybe I dreamed it) that TDK should be where Christopher Nolan’s take on the series begins. So just retrospectively consider BB a prequel.

9. You’re turned off by all the marketing - Sure, the Dominos pizza boxes and the Comcast ads were a bit much. And even before all the promotional tie-ins arrived, the different marketing strategies were obnoxious. But just think: if The Dark Knight doesn’t actually break records this weekend thanks to your dollars, the next big tentpole will only try harder and more annoyingly to woo you.

8. You’re going to see Space Chimps - Why? Because you have small children? Seriously, take them to see TDK. They may be creeped out now, but they’ll thank you in twenty years. As for the other big new release, you and your daughter really don’t want to be fighting the fanboys at the box office just to see Mamma Mia! Do you? By the way, TDK has the highest Rotten Tomatoes score of any movie opening this week — foreign films included — so it’s not like you can use that pretentious “better than” attitude this time.

7. You’re waiting until the IMAX showings aren’t all sold out - This was actually my excuse at first. And really I should be seeing it in IMAX first. But it could be weeks until the single screen in NYC is no longer sold out, so I might as well just buck up and go see it on a regular screen now and see it again in IMAX in a month. I’ll be able to appreciate the grand visuals even more if I don’t have to pay as much attention to the story anyway.

6. The only Bruce Wayne/Batman for you is Val Kilmer - Actually, it’s a scientific fact that Kilmer is not the best person to play any character. He comes pretty damn close with Jim Morrison, but the real-life Morrison was just a little bit better in the role.

5. The only Commissioner Gordon for you is the guy in Maximum Overdrive that calls everyone “Bubba.” - His name is Pat Hingle, and I agree that he is one of the best character actors working today. But, sorry, nobody beats Gary Oldman. Even David Edelstein, who is one of like two critics to pan the film, celebrates Oldman’s involvement.

4. You already saw the trailers for Terminator Salvation, Twilight, Watchmen and even Body of Lies online - Yeah, we all say that the trailers are the best part about going to the movies. But this rare time that statement doesn’t apply.

3. You believe that seeing a big Hollywood release on opening weekend further encourages the practice of front-loading grosses and continues the damage done to both independent film and the movie theater industry - Okay, this isn’t a lame excuse at all. And I wholeheartedly support you on this issue. If you seriously want to use this excuse, go right ahead. People are going to call you a curmudgeon and tell you to have a little more fun in your life, but your reasoning is completely valid.

2. You don’t want to exploit Heath Ledger’s death - If you show up to the movies this weekend, everyone’s going to think you’re one of the many just seeing the movie because of Ledger — his death, not his performance, of course. But if you ignore the movie because of this reason, meaning because he died, aren’t you still exploiting him? And you’re missing an awesome movie, too.

1. What’s The Dark Knight? - This is a tribute to David Letterman’s Top Ten #1s, which are usually so snappy yet so unfunny. Really, though, if you didn’t know what The Dark Knight was, you wouldn’t be reading this list. Plus, even your grandma knows what it is.