The Obama Movie: so inevitable, it’s as if it is already among us. You know that Will Smith will play Obama and that Oliver Stone will write and direct. John Williams and Quincy Jones will tag-team the musical score, a soulful, all-American gumbo that samples gospel, Aaron Copland and snap music. Kerry Washington will essay Michelle Obama.
No, Steven Spielberg will direct, with Chiwetel Ejiofor as Obama, same composers. Twelve Nobel, Pulitzer and Oscar winners write the screenplay. Special afro effects by Industrial Light and Magic. Spielberg intercuts between Barack cumming and Blackwater snipers pinned down in Mosul.
No, Martin Scorsese directs, Leonardo DiCaprio is Obama; a black model/actress of Leo’s choice is Michelle. Soundtrack is a pastiche of Motown, Stax, the Stones, U2 and, in a pivotal skinhead rally/electric slide montage, Bad Brains.
No, Spike Lee directs. Terrence Howard as Obama, Regina King as Michelle. Spike intercuts between Obama cumming and the Rodney King beating. With Samuel L. Jackson as Reverend Jeremiah Wright.
No, Robert Zemeckis directs. Obama is a computer generated exact replica voiced by Will Smith, All other characters are portrayed by real people acting opposite Smith in a green motion capture bodysuit. Tom Hanks appears in silver muttonchops and bald pate as a fictionalized composite of various Obama mentors–or as Bill Clinton.
No, Michael Mann directs Will Smith as Obama. Jada Pinkett-Smith, through the miracle of ILM’s proprietary StiltMotion software, is Michelle. The entire film unfolds across one bluesy, bloody night in the Obama campaign. Jamie Foxx is Jesse Jackson. Mann intercuts between Obama cumming, Jesse threatening to cut his nuts off and Mann himself cumming at the AVID console. Musical selections from a Kanye West/Jonas Brothers mash-up album, plus an extended action sequence cued to Nas’s Nigger.
No, Edward Zwick directs wth Don Cheadle as Obama, Djimon Honsou as a brave Kenyan whose noble deathbed speech to young Barry inspires him to enter politics: “Yes, you can, Berry. Gib us free. Free us from dee blood diamoonds.” Authenticity ensured by screenwriter Aaron Sorkin’s frequent Kenyan safaris.
No, Steven Soderbergh directs. Don Cheadle is a depressive, conflicted Obama. Julia Roberts is Michelle. Bernie Mac and Luis Guzman play Barry’s old running buddies who help him keep it real: “Barry, my man, you done loss touch wit da zeitgeiss.” “He right, papi. Corporations all in your ass right about now, flaco.”
No, Jean-Luc Godard and Lars von Trier co-direct a renegade production financed by Saudi dissidents. Obama (Ving Rhames) takes office but becomes in effect a mere proxy for vice-president Clinton (Isabelle Huppert) and her husband (John Malkovich). Rhames is, for the film’s duration, nude but for his leg irons and stars-and-stripes kerchief, a false Abraham Lincoln beard strapped to his chin. Shot on location in a Prague slaughterhouse using webcams and a hand-cranked Lumiere camera.
No, Tyler Perry’s Obama.
No, Judd Apatow’s Obama.
No.
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No. George Lucas directs. Jar-Jar Binks is Obama. Carrie Fisher with Afro Puffs is Michelle. Brian Dennehy is Ted Kennedy and Senator Palpatine is McCain. John Williams’ score features Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliott doing raps and Li’l Wayne going “Wee-ooh-wee-ooh-wee!” over a lush, orchestral background.
No. Todd Haynes directs. A Barbie doll with wrinkles and a dye job plays Hillary. Ken plays John Edwards and Baby Alive is his illegitimate love child. Michele Obama is played by Black Barbie. Barack is played by a knock-off Black doll the director bought from the Dollar Store on 125th Street. Teddy Ruxpin, with a taped speech by David Duke inside him, plays Bill Clinton.
No. Lina Wertmueller directs. Giancarlo Esposito plays Obama because Lina confuses him with Giancarlo Giannini. Sophie Okenedo plays Michele. The entire film takes place in a run-down Italian factory that stands in for the state of American politics today. The title translates to “Black Man Leads America By A Startling Coincidence During A Clear Day in The Month of November Under a Blue Sky of Destiny and Hateration.”
No. Rob Reiner directs. Will Smith, in full Pursuit of Happyness look, plays Jesse Jackson. Whoopi Goldberg plays Michele, and in flashback, Obama is played by Hill Harper. The film is a what-if assassination scenario. James Woods, in fat suit and CGI-enhanced makeup, plays Bill. Kathy Bates with a hammer plays Hillary.
No! Hayao Miyazaki directs. It’s a beautifully rendered cartoon with voices by Eddie Murphy, Jada Pinkett Smith, Charlize Theron, Larry the Cable Guy and Cedric the Entertainer. Regina King is the voice of Obama and Macy Gray is the voice of Michele. Michele is depicted as a big Japanese cat with Weave(TM). Bill Clinton is a bear that also serves as a pick up truck. Hillary is an old woman who turns into a hot Sailor Moon-style babe whenever she gives a political speech, and one of those little soot things with eyeballs plays Obama. Songs by Yoko Ono and Peaches and Herb.
if you and odie aren’t listed as executive producers, then we’ll know how truly corrupt the system is.
MY CHOICES:
Harry Lennix as Barack Obama
Regina King as Michelle Obama
Willow Smith as Sasha Obama
Keke Palmer as Malia Obama
Jaden Smith - as Young Barack
Chris Brown as Teen Barack
Derek Luke as Obama’s Father
James Pickens as Jeremiah Wright
Josh Brolin as Bill Clinton
Amy Poehler as Hillary clinton
Jeffrey Wright as jesse Jackson.
Jon Voigt as John McCain
Sharon Stone as Cindy McCain
I GUARANTEE YOU HARRY LENNIX WILL GIVE AN OSCAR PERFORMANCE.
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