At face value, JCVD sounds like a lot of fun. Jean-Claude Van Damme plays a version of himself in this fictional film, and it opens with an extremely over the top action sequence. Van Damme slugs, knifes, and kicks his way through all of the action in one take, only to have part the set fall apart when another actor closes the door. He pleads with the bored director that he’s old and he can’t do it in one take. The director ignores him and hurls darts into a photo of the Hollywood sign. Symbolism, anyone?

Unfortunately, the film derails so suddenly that you’ll check yourself for nosebleed. It moves from a campy farce into what you can only assume is a semi-autobiographical film that takes places half in the fantasy mind of director Mabrouk El Mechri, and half inside the warped opinion that Jean-Claude has of himself. Either that or director and star decided to get together and reinvent the old Jean-Claude as the new Jean-Claude. Meet the new boss, same as the old boss.

After the opening scene, we find out that Van Damme is embroiled in a bitter custody battle with his ex-wife over their daughter, and daughter doesn’t want to live with daddy because the other kids at school make fun of her when her dad is on tv. Why? Because he babbles like a self-important loon. He’s employed an expensive law firm in Los Angeles to help him with the case, but his last check to them bounced, and he’s forced to take a role in yet another low-budget kickfest film to try and get an advance. When that does work out, he heads to the bank to make a withdrawal.

In the bank, Van Damme finds himself in the middle of a bank robbery that isn’t going very well, and the cops actually think he’s the one robbing the bank. Soon a crowd grows outside when the word leaks, and the rest of the film is a standoff between the cops and the bank robbers, with Van Damme stuck in the middle. Things grow increasingly tense and unhinged, and in a truly bizarre sequence not long before the climax, Van Damme literally floats off of the floor above the scene, past the lights and boom mics, and addresses the camera directly. In a tearful confession, he says that he’s accomplished nothing in his life, that all of his fame, film roles, drug usage, marriages, and money means nothing. If you caught the finale episode of HBO’s Extras, then you saw Ricky Gervais of all people do something similar in a much more effective and touching way. Without the floating.

Van Damme returns to earth and he saves the day, frees the hostages, and in one ending he literally kicks one of the bad guys unconscious. However, that’s yet another fantasy sequence, and ultimately it is revealed that he’s serving a short jail sentence due to the events, which really makes no sense. Much like the rest of the movie. He’s happy in prison, teaching karate lessons, and his daughter comes to visit him in what is meant to be an emotional scene. Unfortunately, it falls flatter than the wall in that opening sequence.

I’m admittedly not the biggest Van Damme fan, but back in the day I had a soft spot for fare like Hard Target (hey, it was John Woo’s first American film), and Timecop. On paper it sounded like this film was going to be a lot campier than it was, but it appears to be some sort of a confession for Van Damme, and a very expensive letter from a fan to one of his idols. There were admittedly a few funny moments in the beginning, but those quickly began to taper off as the movie tried to take itself too seriously.

Diehard JCVD fans will probably love this film, and there was an enormous line outside of the theater for this film at its midnight opening. Any time Jean-Claude’s name was mentioned during the introduction, hundreds of audience members howled in delight. There wasn’t nearly as much howling when the film was over.