Before you go to the polls today, you need to understand where the candidates stand on the really big issues. No, I don’t mean silly stuff like the economy. I mean the issues that threaten to plunge the world into an era of scorched, apocalyptic savagery. Sure, an ongoing war in the Middle East and gradual climate change are kind of scary, but how will Obama and McCain respond to the threats that can wipe out 99% of humanity overnight? These are dire times, and doomsday cinema has made one thing clear: this will probably be our last president before Armageddon sweeps from sea to shining see, so we’d better choose wisely.

After the jump we look at where the candidates stand on the issues, from Alien Invasion to Zombie Plague.

Near Earth Object Collision

The possibility of a near Earth object (such as a huge comet or meteor) striking Earth and wiping out all life has been used films like Deep Impact and Armageddon, and it’s actually quite possible. It’s unlikely to happen in the next four years, but over the next several millennia, a devastating impact event is very likely. It doesn’t hurt to be prepared. Under which administration would we be least likely to be burned to a crisp when the big one hits?

• Obama: BarackObama.com has a .PDF available for download describing the candidate’s positions on issues pertaining to science and innovation. It’s pretty hard to find, the document is filed under the “Additional Issues” section of the website. There’s plenty of good stuff in there, but NASA, the organization most likely to be watching out for huge rocks in the sky, is only mentioned in a very small paragraph on the second to last page. The points are rather general, along the lines of “make it better.”
• McCain: JohnMcCain.com is much more explicit in outlining the candidate’s policies on space. While he doesn’t mention detection of near Earth objects, he does set aside a paragraph to explain why expensive and dangerous manned space missions are important. He says they exhibit courage and are illustrative of America’s status as a superpower.
• Who comes out on top? I’d have to say McCain. Preventing human extinction in the event of an interstellar impact requires two things: One, preparedness in the form of early warnings and sufficient response technology. And two, the balls to do something about it. While Obama’s commitment to increase basic research funding over the next ten years will help us be prepared, McCain’s fighter pilot instincts and commitment to put men aboard insanely suicidal space missions is essential. Both Deep Impact and Armageddon feature astronauts (who are often just exceptional fighter pilots) making the ultimate sacrifice to save innocent lives.

Biological Terrorism

Remember that scene in 12 Monkeys where the crazy scientist/terrorist is going through airport security with vials of a super-virus he engineered to wipe out the human race, and the security guard seems only mildly curious before letting him pass? While the TSA seems mostly useless, a biological attack certainly wouldn’t be that easy now. That said, we’re still not even close to being safe from the threat of viruses that melt flesh, turn people into savage killers, or transform humanity into flesh-hungry zombies. What are the candidates going to do to protect us from these threats?

• Obama: In the aforementioned .PDF on science policy, Obama laments that under the Bush administration “DARPA has retreated from its traditional commitment to invest in long-term, high-risk, high-return research.” Translation: let’s put money into technology that will protect us from far-out, freaky, sci-fi shit. This includes “microsystems, nanotechnology, … synthetic biology, and advanced manufacturing.” So not only will we be prepared for a biological strike, we’ll have a garrison of mech warriors up and running by 2012.
• McCain: National security is seen as a strong issue for McCain. Indeed, his ideas about tightening border security seem practical and effective, especially keeping a closer eye on the contents of the millions of shipping containers that enter our ports every year. He also has an interesting, and very Republican, idea about involving the private sector in disaster response. True, FedEx is better at tracking shipments than FEMA, but in the event of a contagious zombie plague, the last place you’ll want to go is WalMart, unless you’re planning on looting chainsaws, shotguns, and football pads.
• Who comes out on top? I may be going against conventional wisdom here, but I’ve got to say Obama. Super secret DARPA funding will lead to technologies that will not only save us, but will totally kick ass. In all seriousness, though, Obama’s willingness to actually talk to the people who are mad at us convinces me he’ll be more effective at stopping terrorism.

Alien Invasion

A staple of science fiction for well over a century, an attack from outer space would be the ultimate test for a president. The goal here is to be like Bill Pullman’s inspiring President Whitmore from Independence Day, and nothing like Jack Nicholson’s corrupt President Dale from Mars Attacks!.

• Obama: Obama’s increased funding of science research and DARPA, as mentioned above, would be helpful. But his charisma and diplomatic tact will have little affect on a superior race that views humanity as little more than a colony of pests.
• McCain: McCain’s strength on defense and his priority on manned space missions would make militarized space flight a reality within a few short years. Unlike terrestrial conflicts, we might benefit from the Republican shoot first, ask questions later defense policy. A full-scale invasion of Earth would take a considerable amount of planning. Under a McCain administration, those flying saucers performing reconnaissance missions would be quickly destroyed, sending a powerful message back to Alpha Centuri: Don’t mess with us.
• Who comes out on top? McCain, hands down. Bill Pullman’s President Whitmore practically is John McCain. They’re both decorated fighter pilots from Vietnam. And I’m sure McCain would jump back in the cockpit if humanity needed him.

Environmental Calamity

From The Day After Tomorrow to Wall-E, environmental disasters are common in film. An essential element in these tales is hubris on the part of the world leaders, who don’t act until it’s far too late. Since Al Gore is not running this year, which candidate is better prepared to prevent the world from filling up with trash and toxic gas?

• Obama: I’ve got to give Obama credit because his environmental policies actually deal with something beyond climate change and energy independence, issues like mercury, air pollution, and water shortages. Of course curbing greenhouse gas emissions is the big enchilada, and his plan seems pretty good. It’s also almost identical to McCain’s plan, at least that’s my impression after perusing each candidate’s website.
• McCain: McCain’s cap and trade plan to address greenhouse gases looks pretty good (which, considering the record of his party, is a tremendous compliment). One discrepancy is that McCain seems more willing to offer free carbon credits to certain industries that could be stifled by a cap and trade system (like big oil). Neither site is very clear on how such exceptions would be granted.
• Who comes out on top? Obama, but in a way, it’s a shame. The Democrats pretty much always have a leg up on the Republicans when it comes to the environment, and that’s never been truer than in the last eight years. But this is one issue where McCain’s claim that he would be nothing like Bush is totally legit. As far as Republicans go, McCain is actually pretty green, but Obama still edges him out. Hopefully McCain represents a new kind of Republican, because preventing an ecological apocalypse will require bipartisan effort. If not, we’d better start building a huge spaceship and an adorable little robot to clean up after us.

Conclusion: Well, it looks like a tie. Whichever candidate wins, things are looking up in my opinion. Now all we need to do is stave off World War III until January 20.