When I first had the idea to assemble a dream cast for a movie about Somali pirates, I envisioned a typical actioner with a dash of tense international politics. The pirates would be played by unknown actors of African descent, with the exception of “the good one,” who would be played by either Djimon Hounsou or Chiwetel Ejiofor. He would realize his folly, then become an integral part of the hero’s harrowing siege of a captured vessel. The hero, of course, would be a white, male, American naval officer, rough around the edges, not afraid to cut the crap and do the right thing. As it turns out, the truth of what’s going on in the Gulf of Aden is much more fascinating.

Enter Michele Ballarin: Virginia socialite, investment banker, weapons dealer. When she’s not breeding horses or fending off allegations of fraud in Austria, she’s running Select Armor, Inc. The company is not your typical private security firm competing for lucrative anti-terror contracts. It’s a small, nimble company, run by a woman, with small town roots, and plenty of murky dealings in places like Somalia.

What does Ballarin have to due with the pirates? More importantly, who should play her in a movie? More after the jump.

Not a lot of information is available on Ballarin, but one thing is clear: she would make a great movie character. She’s someone whose leaked e-mails make disparaging remarks about “the f*cks” from the UN who snoop around Select Armor’s dealings. After being put up for a few days Kampala, Uganda by the president of that country, she reportedly said that, “Kampala is a real shithole.” Nevertheless, she has a tremendous amount of traction in Africa, especially in Somalia.

Enter the pirates: According to this ABC News story, Ballarin personally took over negotiations with the bandits aboard the Saudi oil tanker Sirius Star, when official talks broke down. A senior government official told ABC News, “It’s pretty sad when a horse country socialite has more sway in Somalia than the whole US government.”

So, the real casting question is who could play Michele Ballarin, the potty-mouthed, middle-aged, Southern debutante who shoots from the hip? She needs to have loads of charm. According to a business contact, Ballerin is treated as royalty in Somalia, even having gained the nickname “Amira,” Arabic for princess. I’ve assembled three candidates, with speculation about how their films would differ. Got a better idea? Leave it in the comments.

Julia Roberts

As realized by Roberts, Ballarin would be a cross between Erin Brockovich and Joanne Herring, the Houston socialite and conservative political meddler she portrayed in Charlie Wilson’s War. When the contradiction between her patriotic mission and her crass business dealings are clearly juxtaposed, she would laugh them off with unparalleled grace. For the majority of the film, we would suspect that she was simply floating through her strange life, amused by the spectacle. But in the third act, an incident of piracy would strike a personal chord. She must exit her armored Cadillac, board the hi-jacked vessel, and put her charms to good use.

Kate Winslet

Winlset’s version of Ballarin would be considerably more naïve than Julia Roberts’, and younger. Instead of being an entrepreneuring arms dealer tooling around Africa on her charms and business savvy, Winslet’s Ballerin would begin as a bored heiress of a private military fortune. Towed along on business trips by her father, it seems his dream that she’ll one day take over the mercenary business will go unfulfilled, her sense of entitlement is matched only by her apathy. But then, something goes wrong in Somalia, daddy is killed by pirates. With a heavy heart, she takes up her father’s mantle and enters negotiations with the pirates, determined to halt the cycle of needless violence.

Meryl Streep

Streep’s Ballarin would be primarily compassionate, echoing her portrayal of another famous white woman in Africa, Karen Blixen in Out of Africa. Her warm smile and genuine personal dealings would deftly hide her shrewd business sense. For the first half of the film, her involvement in international arms dealing would seem like a complete non-sequitur, the movie would hold together only due to Streep’s tremendous talent. Once a business deal goes sour, the rage she so carefully masks is revealed. In the final sequence, she must harness both her gentle charms and her seething anger to negotiate the release of a captured cruise ship carrying not only innocent people, but a hidden arms shipment worth millions.