These days, it seems like everyone is going on and on about “IMAX this” and “3-D Special Release that.” Even the lede to this article is so utterly bored by it that it resorts to one of the laziest tricks in writing. Just like the current state of gimmick cinema that is desperate to recoup box office by any means necessary.

Okay, that’s a stretch, but the whole 3D craze is at a fever-pitch ever since we’ve apparently cured cancer and ended world suffering by electing Obama. So why not be happy I can see Watchmen in 3-D IMAX for $20? Why not be overjoyed at seeing Monsters Vs. Aliens as if the adorable cash-in characters are right in front of me? Because 3-D Film is ultimately depressing. It talks a good game, remember the disappointment of when the reds and blues wouldn’t mix that well and just gave you a headache? We’ll be damned if we can’t ruin 3-D for you.

Night of the Living Dead 3-D

While Romero’s classic take on racism and the undead has since shifted to public domain, that unfortunately means anyone can take the original script–verbatim–and modernize it in horrifying ways. Like texting “CominG 4 U Barb” and hyping up the brand new dimension of horror. The 3-D scares are choreographed to the point that you can figure out within the second a cut occurs what blunt object or gaping zombie maw will fly right at you. Watch out, there’s a joint coming at you!

Notable Achievement: Aside from getting Sid Haig a paycheck, the title lies.

Comin’ At Ya!

Spearheaded by the Anaglyph image (read:the fuzzy red and blue image you see without your cardboard glasses), this film did nothing other than lower the bar to such a point that even the above montage of woodland creatures is more exciting. And utterly, devastatingly blurry.

Notable Achievement: Pioneered the “OMG OBJECT NEAR FACE” effect parroted in every other film, ever.

Terminator 2 3-D: Battle Across Time

Fond memories of Universal Studios Florida aside, this was the pinnacle of 3-D spectacle in the 90s. It is full of loud effects and pseudo-freak outs.

Notable Achievement: It is a 12-minute, $60 million theme park ride directed by James Cameron.

Friday The 13th Part 3

Horror and 3-D go together surprisingly well, or at least that’s what someone figured while doing a bowl of blow. Instead of really being anything special, the third outing to Camp Crystal Lake lingers maddeningly long on “reaching” shots that really don’t do anything. Then again, if I was high in a movie theater totally getting it on with a chick, I bet I’d be afraid of Jason too.

Notable Achievement: Man Gets Cut in Half from Crotch to Head. Pre-dates Night of the Living Dead 3-D in use of a fake joint being offered to the audience.

Elvira’s Superstition

The basic gist is that you’re traveling into Elvira’s haunted house of delights or something, which is filled with things that leap out at you. Also, there are cats and car-related puns. And to spare you from wondering, “Just what is it like to be on a fake 3-D roller coaster at Six Flags?” After all, this isn’t just a theme park ride. It’s a scream park ride. Ha. So we give you this:

Notable Achievement: Another 3-D theme park ride! But with breasts.

Jaws 3-D

Originally a spoof gone horribly wrong, the third outing of the giant shark franchise involves SeaWorld and hokier gags than Friday the 13th. Prepare for severed arms, tentacles, a shark’s mouth and water!

Notable Achievement: Was this the one where–oh, right. The tentacle.

Emmanuelle 4: Consealed Desires

This is the fourth in the unending softcore porn franchise that has routinely ruined the careers of any actress who played the title character.

What, you want me to go into further detail, beyond that it pioneered the saddest sub-genre of pornography next to animated porn?

Notable Achievement: It’s 3-D porn.