If these Bloggery roundup posts were truly meant to represent the hottest film news of the day, they’d always be about Twilight, or at least its star, Robert Pattinson. As I’ve learned from regularly monitoring movie sites, there’s something relative to the franchise to report on at least once every 24 hours (today we somehow got double news, with Pattinson announcing he’s committed to a fourth installment). And it will continue to be this way for the next few years. So forgive me this one time for caving in, like others, to turn the spotlight on an advertisement for a movie I know little about and likely will not see.

At least I do have an appreciation for posters, as an artform. And at least a lot of the commentary coming from the blogs regarding this new The Twilight Saga: New Moon one-sheet is humorous. Otherwise, I wouldn’t bother with it. Everyone knows we’re going to see another hundred or so marketing images for the sequel before its November release (this wasn’t even the first), so why bother talking about just one? Here’s why: to point out that between this and the official teaser poster for Where the Wild Things Are, movie marketers are really into forestry shots with background light sources.

Okay, that wasn’t very funny (honestly, it wasn’t really supposed to be, anyway), so I’ll just leave it to the film bloggers with more wit to make us laugh at this heavily airbrushed poster. Check out the Twilight jokes after the jump:

• S.T. VanAirsdale at Movieline attempts to understand the film’s romantic plot based on the poster:
  

  There seems to be but one message here: Someone is getting cockblocked…I definitely didn’t know about the simmering homoerotic tension between Edward Cullen and Jacob Black. That’s a pretty fantastic revision to Stephenie Meyer’s story, in which vampires and werewolves all hate each other. Unless I’ve got it all wrong, of course, and Bella isn’t actually interfering but, rather, is the object of desire?

• Mark at I Watch Stuff also tries to get an idea of what happens in Twilight 2:
  

  I don’t know what it is about this cryptic image, but I get the feeling New Moon might hold some kind of love triangle involving Vampire Luke Perry, Angry Meathead, and Avril Lavigne Protégé. Don’t ask me why. I just have this sense that we’re finally going to figure out if girls prefer vampires or werewolves to not have sex with.

• Erik Davis at Cinematical claims that the poster makes the plot pretty clear. But does it fully explain why Bella is torn between a vampire and a werewolf?
  

  ….this chick Bella likes to swing with the weird ones, totally. Tell me about it….and something tells us she can’t just drop both these dudes for Kenny, the video store clerk and part-time Nintendo champion. (Note: The character of Kenny does not exist in the books, but I’d be glad to write him in for the next film if Summit will let me.)

• Lane Brown at Vulture notices that the marketers have deliberately hidden Taylor Lautner’s restless leg syndrome:
  

  Hoping for a glimpse of Lautner’s leg, either in a stationary position or vibrating wildly? Too bad! Robert Pattinson — whose character is barely even in the New Moon book, as everyone knows! — is standing in front of one leg, while the other is obscured by low-lying forest smog. Also, Kristen Stewart looks terrified, as if she’s about to be accidentally punted into a tree. We just want to believe that everything is okay!

• This may not be a joke, but I find it funny that Mandi Bierly at Entertainment Weekly’s PopWatch looked so closely at the poster:
  

  At first glance, I thought this poster belonged to Lautner: The clenched fist and jaw, the bicep, the eye. (And again, the hair.) But then I looked closer at Pattinson, smiled that I actually get paid for this, and noted the purposeful peek of manly chest hair. Suddenly, I remembered that New Moon is a battle between a boy and a man — not just a wolf and a vampire — for Bella’s affections.

• Dan Hopper at Best Week Ever compares the new “full-assed” poster to a “half-assed” fan-made poster that rounded the web a few months back. His consensus on why the new one is 0.1% better:
  

  Whoooahoa!!! Could you imagine if the REAL poster had just been shirtless Robert Pattinson?? How terrible would that have been?? Instead it’s a really exciting action shot of all three main cast members looking off to the side sharply in a dark, floaty Bob Ross forest. Now it is literally a movie!

• Vince Mancini at Film Drunk is pretty sure fans will get to make their own “official” New Moon posters — starring themselves — soon enough:
  

  Oh hey look, everyone, Glamour Shots added a “Vampires n’ Werewolves” background.  Okay that was a joke, but if the photo studio in the mall hasn’t made it a reality by the time I finish typing this sentence they’re basically wiping their ass with all the potential money they could be making.

• Stacey Nosek at Pajiba wonders, thanks to Yeeeah!, how anyone could be paying attention to the New Moon one-sheet when the poster for Coctomom has also just been released.
• Finally, if you think you have better jokes than these, i09 is using the poster for a “Caption This” post. As an example, blogger Meredith Woerner’s headlined caption is “I Haz So Manies Boyfriends.”