The Playlist wonders why “almost no bloggers have chosen to write about” this Esquire story purporting to blow the lid off the secret early life of Paul Thomas Anderson. I can only speak for myself: I had no idea this story, which is dated September 22, existed. But I’ll write about it now!

Based on a skim (it’s long and I’ll go back and read it more carefully when I have time, but I wanted to pass it along regardless), it seems to be fundamentally flawed, in that it’s based on the complaints of Anderson’s high school friends and former teachers, who are all clearly bitter that their old pal no longer returns their calls, as if an acknowledged burden of success is that one must take time out of their busy modern masterpiece-making, Oscar nomination-collecting schedule to visit their old high school (does anybody actually visit their old high school?) There isn’t anything jaw-dropping here––He went to a lot of prep schools! He watched a lot of laserdisks!––but it’s an interesting read for P.T.A. completists.

I never knew it was so easy to add lightsaber effects to any YouTube clip. Earlier this week, when I wrote about the new Clone Wars lightsaber game for the Nintendo Wii, I saw it done with the infamous “Star Wars Kid” video (see it here). And now, thanks again to Fark.com, I see it done with a clip from The Princess Bride (above).

Apparently, this is only the latest in a trend; people have been changing swords to lightsabers in nearly every movie featuring swashbuckling, including the Pirates of the Caribbean movies (see here and here), the Lord of the Rings movies (here), the recent Zorro movies (here), Kill Bill (here), Gladiator (here) and 300 (here). Someone even recently added the effect to the end of Boogie Nights (here).
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Honestly, I didn’t want to write anything about the ending of There Will Be Blood until the film is in theaters. The holidays are tough enough–I really, really don’t need the spoiler brigade on my ass to add to it. But this post by Craig Kennedy reminded me of a conversation I had earlier today with Paul and Kevin, and I have to get the thought out before it goes away. Noting that P.T. Anderson’s film currently carries a 100% Fresh rating amongst Cream of the Crop critics on Rotten Tomatoes, Craig writes:

I’m only skimming reviews until I finish my own, but one theme keeps popping up in review after review: On the surface, There Will Be Blood is unlike anything Anderson has done before…It’s like watching a runner sprinting at the limit of his ability when, just before the finish line, he kicks into another gear you didn’t even know he had and he surges ahead of the pack. It’s exhilarating.

It’s true that Anderson’s previous films were essentially ensemble pieces, which There Will Be Blood is not. And as a director, Anderson seems to have matured, in that he seems less interested than ever in showing off. But “unlike anything Anderson has done before”? I don’t think that’s true at all.

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Over at Sergio Leone and the Infield Flyball Rule, Dennis Cozzalio has offered the film blog world a 28-question “summer midterm.” As he puts it, “We know that the last thing you really want to do in the summer is to be sitting indoors taking a test. But wouldn’t you rather be doing this than seeing Transformers? I thought so. Now get to work!”

I’m not good with long quizzes, so for this week’s installment of The Micro Five, I’ve picked five questions to answer in short essay form. See my answers below, and be sure to check out Dennis’ post to read the 70+ (!) responses. This is pass/fail, right?

1. Describe a famous location from a movie that you have visited (Bodega Bay, California, where the action in The Birds took place, for example). Was it anything like the way it was in the film? Why or why not?

When I was 17, I was briefly employed as a hostess at Dupar’s, a been-there-forever diner in Studio City, CA that was used as a location for Boogie Nights. Dupar’s is the setting of that post-disco scene where Burt Reynolds explains his directorial vision to budding porn star Dirk Diggler. I haven’t read the Boogie Nights script, but I wouldn’t be surprised if sometime-Studio City resident Paul Thomas Anderson had written Dupar’s in by name–it’s a perfectly preserved monument to the Valley’s mid-70s glory, and I’m sure it required minimal set dressing. In my brief time there, I didn’t ID any porn stars (unless Dweezil and Ahmet Zappa have gone X-rated? They were in there a lot), but it was a fairly sleezy place. We were ordered to lie about our failing grade from the health department, and I actually quit after three weeks due to very low-level sexual harassment from my manager: one day he told me I’d “look good in a potato sack,” and in my teenage feminist brain, that was, like, cause for a lawsuit.

2. Best movie about baseball

Um, does Mysterious Skin count? I think it should. A little league coach’s molestation of two members of his team is the pivotal event that sets off the narrative. One of these boys, damaged by the abuse to the point of obsession, goes on to get a job at the field where he used to play and use his workplace as a venue for sexual encounters. I guess it’s no Major League, but it was one of my favorite films of 2005.

3. Favorite Katharine Hepburn performance

It’s got to be Bringing up Baby. I’m sure everyone says that, but how can you not get all googly over the performance that defines screwball? But Baby’s not my favorite Hepburn film; that would be Holiday, which is more of Cary Grant’s show, don’t you think? I don’t know–maybe I just don’t like to see her play the wallflower. Regardless, check out the funny Holiday clip reel above, set to “Spunky” by The Eels.

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New Hairspray director Adam Shankman is responsible for some of the most profitable/least watchable films of the past decade. But he started out as a choreographer, and below you’ll find his best work: the disco dance scene from Boogie Nights:

I should say upfront that I’m strangely ambivalent when it comes to Hostel mastermind Eli Roth. There’s a kind of sick humor baked into his baroque, balls-out extended death sequences, that, as a Dario Argento fan, I appreciate, but like most modern horror movies, sitting through the bad dialogue and endless setup that threads together the torture scenes is, actually, torture. On the other hand, I kind of get a kick out of Roth’s pretentions about the socio-political allegorical value of his movies. There’s something about the petulance of a horror movie director favorably comparing himself to Dick Cheney that I can’t resist.

That said, is it just me, or does this whiny, panicky, super-dramatic blog post on Roth’s MySpace page kind of read like those coked-up interviews Dirk Diggler gave Amber Waves for her documentary in Boogie Nights? It’s like the beleaguered filmmaker’s equivalent of the ill-advised drunk dial.

“All over the map” would be an appropriate phrase to use here, if there were a map in the world big enough to encompass all of Eli Roth’s paranoia. The ostensible purpose of the post is for Roth to announce that he’s taking some time off from filmmaking, but in attempting to explain that decision, he manages to cast blame on every conceivable outside force for therelative failure of Hostel 2. Piracy, he says, “is really hurting us, especially internationally.” He then jumps to blame film critics (who aren’t usually allowed to see allegedly “critic proof” films like this before they’re released) for allegedly reviewing the pirated workprint of the film instead of the completed version. Which critics did that? Roth “wouldn’t dignify them by mentioning them by name,” but he’s going to make damn sure they’ll lose all legal access to his films (which doesn’t seem like much of a threat, since these critics would apparently rather watch a pirated workprint than go to a press screening anyway). My favorite part is when Roth tells his fans they can help fight piracy with … piracy? “Flood file sharing services with fake Hostel II downloads just so no one can ever actually get the movie,” he declares.

A rant like this is obviously candy for for haters. Nikki Finke, one of the most vocal opponents of the so-called “torture porn” genre, ate it up. “Notice how it doesn’t even enter his mind that moviegoers rejected his twisted content of torture porn,” Finke sniped. “Maybe this year off will help Eli get a clue.” Roth is obviously playing passive-aggressive, putting himself out there as a victim so that his fans will rally around and beg him to make another movie. It’s hard to imagine a successful film director actual being so immature that they would not see how such a tactic would be doomed to backfire.

What’s the real problem with Hostel 2? Did everyone who really wanted to see it really watch it online before it opened? Could it just be that the movie industry is cyclical, and the torture porn cycle is simply dying its natural, inevitable death? For what it’s worth, the Horror Movies 101 group here at Spout hasn’t really shown much interest in the Hostel films. Whether or not you’re a Roth fan, does such an, um, impassioned message from a filmmaker make you any more or less likely to support their work?