When I’m standing in the hot sun for hours on end waiting to get into films at Cannes, my favorite way to pass the time is by flipping through the Market guide reading the terribly-translated synopses of terrible-sounding international B-movies. After a day and a half, I’m only about half way through this year’s guide, but I have an early contender for The Best Cannes Marche Guide Synopsis of 2009. Behold, Hipsters:

This is the story from the fifties of the last century where the group of young people has to fight for the right to be different from all others, listen to some other music, dress differently and, certainly, love. Popular smash hits, the most difficult choreographic items, a dashing plot with many twists, a penetrating love story and luxurious scenery will never leave the audience indifferent.

I literally turned this synopsis into cocktail fodder last night, snarking that the “penetrating love story” bit had to be code for softcore, because after all, penetration is a fairly sure-fire way to combat audience indifference, right? Ha! I announced that I would go to Hipsters‘ sole screening in the market this morning, to bear witness to its horrors with my own eyes, or at least challenge that bit about indifference.

Of course, I didn’t make it; I spent that 90 minutes waiting in line for Jacques Audiard’s A Prophet instead. But after researching it a bit (because what else am I going to do in between screenings — write about the Hong Sangsoo film? Please.), I wish I had gone the Hipsters route.

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In what will hopefully end up as my stupidest move at the Cannes market this year, on Monday I went to a buyers screening of a film called Sex and Breakfast. The suspiciously unspecific description in the Marche guide: “Two couples uncover what it takes to achieve a long-term romance while maintaining a healthy and satisfying sexual relationship.” Just from those two scraps of information, we can immediately deduce that this film is one of two things: A) so-bad-its-good Euro softcore, or B), not-quite-bad-enough to be so-bad-it’s-good throat clearing from a first-time American indie filmmaker who hasn’t yet figured out that working one’s personal sexual fantasies out on celluloid really only befits aged masters (and most of the time even then, it’s questionable.)

Since I knew that Sex and Breakfast was in English, I knew from the start that it almost definitely fell into the “B” camp. So why waste my time? Three words: Starring Macaulay Culkin.

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Before I get too deep into my Cannes coverage, it seems like it would be useful to explain the difference between the Marche du Film (AKA the market) and the festival proper. The Cannes Film Festival is what most people think of when they think of Cannes––it’s the flashy, sophisticated, exclusive showcase for the world’s finest and most famous filmmakers, and it’s curated within an inch of its life. The market is kind of like a free-for-all sideshow. There are no red carpet premieres or filmmaker Q & A’s, and most of the films play in tiny screening rooms in hotels or the Palais. Every film (or portion of a film––producers will sometimes screen show reels in order to raise funds or entice distributors before production is completed) in the Marche is for sale, and none have been vetted by a screening committee. This allows for an extraordinarily wide spectrum of quality. Earlier today, IFC announced that they’ve purchased US distribution rights to Olivier Assayas’ Summer Hours, a film that’s not in the Festival but is screening in the Marche with no restrictions on what kind of market badge holder is allowed to see it. But such a classy title screening quietly in the market seems to be unusual. More typical Marche fare includes Jean Claude Van Damme mock-biopic JCVD and Repo! The Genetic Opera, a horror musical starring Paris Hilton and Paul Sorvino; for whatever reason, both of these titles are screening by invitation only.

I have a market pass this year, and I spent much of my first two days in town meticulously combing through the market guide, taking note of both the surprise gems (I didn’t know there WAS a new Olivier Assayas film until I saw it listed in the guide) and the weirdly irresistible crap. Over the next few days, I’ll be highlighting some of the biggest WTF?s that this year’s Marche has to offer. And where better to start with weirdly irresistible WTF? crap than with Uwe Boll? I didn’t know HE had a new movie until I saw it in the guide, either.

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Variety points to a teaser for J.C.V.D., a tongue-in-cheek Jean-Claude Van Damme biopic starring the faded action titan as himself, which will be hyped at this year’s Cannes Market. According to the teaser’s YouTube page, the clip was put together for last year’s Cannes Market; according to IMDb, J.C.V.D. already has a French release planned for June, but U.S. distribution is apparently still up for grabs.

In a story published online last night, Variety’s Sharon Swart named the 15 films across both the Cannes Film Festival and the Cannes market that are expected to attract the most attention from buyers. At least one of the titles, Steve McQueen’s Hunger, has been bought in the hours since the story hit the website. At least one more, described as a “martial arts fantasy actioner, currently shooting in Romania…[starring] Woody Harrelson, Demi Moore and Japanese popstar Gackt,” sounds unspeakably (but not necessarily unsaleably) ridiculous.

Two more of the films on Swart’s list are related in that they were made the focus of unexpected and unwanted attention in January by the death of Heath Ledger.

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Screen Daily reports that the sequel to Donnie Darko, which begins shooting on May 18, will be looking for international buyers in the Cannes Market. Wait, back up––there’s a sequel to Donnie Darko? Yeah, and Richard Kelly, who is quietly working on a mainstream horror film in the aftermath of Southland Tales, has nothing to do with it. S. Darko will focus on Donnie’s youngest sister, played as she was in the earlier film by Daviegh Chase, and will catch up with the character seven years after her brothers death, when she and a friend embark on “a roadtrip to Los Angeles when they are plagued by bizarre visions.” So presumably, her commitment to Sparkle Motion will not be an issue. The film, which will be helmed by Nightstalker director Chris Fisher, has apparently already secured U.S. distribution through Fox.