Joaquin Phoenix’s meltdown/prank on David Letterman Wednesday was certainly eye-opening, but it wasn’t exactly original. There’s a long and storied history of celebrities appearing on Letterman and completely losing their shit. This precedent may lend credibility to the argument that Phoenix’s performance was nothing but an elaborate hoax, perpetrated more for Casey Affleck’s documentary than for the television audience. But this isn’t necessarily always the case. While some of the freak-outs on this list where planned, many of them were genuine meltdowns.

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Having seen the trailer for the Ken Kwapis’ cast-of-a-thousand stars self help book dramatization He’s Just Not That Into You many, many times (I watch a lot of SoapNET, Lifetime and, uh, MSNBC), I felt reasonably certain going in that I knew exactly what kind of film it was going to be: a wacky, light romantic comedy of mating manners, set in an alternate universe in which otherwise cosmopolitan adults can’t figure out how to use MySpace, and in which all normal and abnormal interpersonal neuroses and difficulties with intimacy are transposed into total paralysis over text messaging. I hope that someday soon, someone in Hollywood makes the film that He’s Not That Into You Was advertised as, because that’s sounds like the exact kind of science fiction that I really enjoy. But He’s Not That Into You is definitely not that film. The question is: what the hell is it?

That Into You fails to fit neatly into assumptions bred by its advertising and its genre makes it somewhat more interesting, if only because it forces us to contend with what our expectations actually are when we go to see a romantic comedy, and what it would actually mean to subvert them. Screenwriters Abby Kohn and Marc Silverstein seem to be very aware of contemporary romantic comedy conventions, as well as a certain tradition of final inning moral clean-up that dates back to the very earliest examples of the genre produced under the Hayes Code. But they have no interest in depriving a mass audience of the crack hit of cinematic junk food that they were promised by the promos. The film’s ultimate willingness to pander to expectation may make it a disappointment on a critical level, but I’m not sure making the audience conscious of the way their guilty pleasure works before letting them have it is something for which the filmmakers should be reprimanded.

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Are you one of the many sci-fi and comic book geeks who’d be more interested in Push were it not for Dakota Fanning? Sure, the precocious child star is now a teen actress (she’s about to turn 15), yet that probably makes you even more worried about her appearance in the movie. But what can you do? She’s literally everywhere this week – voicing the title character in the animated Coraline and starring in two new video releases, Hounddog and The Secret Life of Bees, both of which were released Tuesday. In the tradition of child actors continuing careers into adolescence, it’s only a matter of time before she ruins a movie that would have been better without her.

We’ll have to wait until this weekend to see if that time is now, with Push, but in the meantime let’s take a look at some of the past offenders in this tradition. Most of the following former child actors (our definition: actors that began their career below the age of 13) have done great things in their adulthood, but each has done at least one film that could have been better without him or her. You may disagree with some of these picks, and you may think we’ve forgotten some (was Christian Bale really the worst part of The Dark Knight? did Mary-Kate Olsen’s disturbing kiss with Ben Kingsley take away from The Wackness?), so do share your own thoughts on former child stars below. We just ask that you keep your comments somewhat tasteful and law-abiding.
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There’s a lot that could be said about Lindsay Lohan’s “performance” as Marilyn Monroe in this mostly-nude photo shoot for New York Magazine, aping the latter’s stars famous champagne-fueled “Last Sitting” with photographer Bert Stern from 1962. Just the frame-by-frame contrast above says a lot about how Marilyn and Lindsay approached the, um, role. Where Marilyn seems caught in a moment of abandon, Lindsay’s frozen in rabbit-toothed defiance, her wig shalacked into the antithesis of bedhead, nostrils flared as though she’s holding her breath. We could go through each of the pictures and talk about all that stuff, but that would seem to be giving the endeavor more credit than it deserves. As Perez Hilton so astutely notes (no, that’s not a typo), “She has no movie coming out. That new album won’t be released for a while. Lindsay has NOTHING to promote, other than herself.”

So you have to wonder what the Lohan camp sees as the endgame of this. …Read more