Is the end of the world nigh? It sure seems that way. Even if the economic situation wasn’t enough of a harbinger of doom, this swine flu pandemic is a sure sign of the apocalypse. Or so it would appear through the media attention. Yes, the outbreak is tragic, and it is certainly a serious concern. And necessary, non panic-inciting developments must be reported. But when we read about how the flu might affect the box office for X-Men Origins: Wolverine, the news coverage has clearly gone a little overboard.

We’re not saying that we should ignore the topic; in fact if there’s anything we’ve learned from Hollywood’s treatment of plots involving widespread disease and infection it’s that turning a blind eye and/or burying the story will come back to bite us on the ass (or any other part of the body that a zombie can sink its teeth into). But fearmongering isn’t helpful either. That’s another thing the movies teach us.

So, what do we do if we want to get out of this latest flu scare alive? We rent some films, and we learn how to survive from both the characters who endure and the characters who perish. Fortunately for you, we’ve already watched the films and are willing to share their lessons.
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Last week I offered a list of movies that made ambitious predictions about the near future, only to lose credibility when their dark futures didn’t become a reality. As meaningful as this exercise is, it’s also very limited, I can only debunk movies whose futures have already failed come true, or can I? Using FutureMe.org, I sent my future self an e-mail, asking how movies which predict what the next ten years have fared. Luckily, PastMe.org must be up and running in 2019, because I received a prompt and courteous response from my future self. Here is the response, which I will write in ten years:

Past Self,

Got your e-mail about failed movie predictions. I knew it was coming Here’s what I’ve got for you:

2012

I realize this Roland Emmerich mega-budget doomsday picture hasn’t come out yet in your time. I don’t recommend seeing it when it does, unless you were so impressed with Emmerich’s filmmaking in Godzilla and 10,000 BC that you actually want to see more. The film predicts that multiple apocalyptic catastrophes befall the world in 2012, in accordance with an ancient Mayan calendar which stops on December 21 of that year. What we know now is that the Mayans simply ran out of room on the rock they were carving, and were not trying to warn future generations of anything. Promoters of New Age Mayan mysticism did make a big deal about what they said would be the end of the world, making several appearances on popular talk shows. Of course, nothing happened on December 21, 2012, except that the special edition Blu-Ray of 2012 went on sale, hoping to make up for poor sales by becoming the ironic Christmas gift of choice.

I Am Legend

This 2007 Will Smith vehicle is another example of revisionist futurism, when a story’s prediction doesn’t come true, the story is retold and the date is moved further into the future. This is the third film adaptation of Robert Matheson’s original novel. Published in 1954, the book follows a scientist named Robert Neville from 1976 to 1979. Neville is apparently the sole survivor of a pandemic which resembles vampirism. The Will Smith version takes place in 2012, clearly a favorite year for doomsday prophets. While the prediction of a virus that turns everyone into rabid beasts didn’t exactly come true, that year’s American Idol competition was particularly brutal, inspiring an outbreak of backyard gladiatorial battles, similar to those now used to choose the winner of the show.

The Postman

This 1997 film, directed by and starring Kevin Costner, was generally regarded as a flop when it was released. It grew in popularity, however, as its prophetic vision of 2013 began to look more like reality. In the film, society is in ruins after a nuclear war. Costner’s character inadvertently brings hope to the destitute survivors when he starts delivering mail. While there was no global nuclear war in 2013 (that doesn’t happen until 2015), the film did accurately predict the return of pony express style mail delivery. Due to the ongoing financial crisis, the US government shut down the Postal Service, assuming that private carriers and e-mail would fill in. It worked for a few months, until bad loans and $300-per-barrel oil drove the private delivery firms out of business right during the Great Broadband Crash of ‘13. It was a bad year. But letters from loved ones did seem that much more meaningful when they were hand delivered by a disheveled vigilante fighting off dysentery.

Back to the Future Part II

The 1989 film Back to the Future Part II made several predictions about what the world of 2015 would look like. Having lived through that memorable year, I can tell you things didn’t turn out as shown in the film. In reality, flying cars were not released commercially until 2036, but never became widely available due to the market domination of flying Segways. Hoverboards, on the other hand, were widely available by 2015, but were pulled off the market following the unfortunate death of Tony Hawk during the 2016 X-Games. Many blamed the incident on Hawk’s malfunctioning cybernetic legs, rather than the Hoverboard, but the toy was still unable to recover from legal trouble. One prediction Back to the Future Part II did get right was Marty McFly’s futuristic Nike shoes. Nike released the Air McFly, in July 2008. While they were a limited edition, there’s no reason you couldn’t wear them in 2015.

Blade Runner

In Ridley Scott’s 1982 science fiction noir, Harrison Ford plays Deckard, a hard boiled detective hired to assassinate several illegal androids known as replicants. The film’s predictions about what a gritty futuristic Los Angeles would look like were pretty accurate. Genetically engineered pets are also available, but you need to go to some rather unsavory neighborhoods to find people who produce them. Super realistic androids, similar to replicants, also exist in 2019. Which brings me to a rather important point. This e-mail is not actually from your future self. I am a replicant. Your memories were transferred to me shortly before your grisly death.

Thanks for writing. If you have any more questions about the future of movies, let me know!

Best,

Future Kevin

As the financial markets pull the entire economy into utter despair, it’s difficult to think about Christmas shopping. It’s tempting to shove your life savings into your mattress and ride this thing out in a homemade bunker, but holiday shopping is more important now than ever before. I’m not saying this with the hope that a boost in retail sales will jolt the sinking markets, that will never work. Think about it, they’re racking up trillions in debt and you’re going to help by buying an iPod? Nice try.

No, the reason you need to stuff stockings like crazy is because this will be the last Christmas on Earth, at least as we know it. A trifecta of economic, nuclear, and environmental apocalypses will surely befall our poor planet in the coming year, leaving a small band of survivors to fend off death in the savage wastes of our once great world. But don’t worry! You and yours will be prepared for this dark tomorrow, if you follow our handy Post-Apocalyptic Gift Guide:

Puppy

This is a classic Christmas gift, and it’s surprising useful in a post-apocalyptic environment. While watching post-apocalyptic movies in preparation for a life wandering the ruins civilization (cf. I Am Legend, The Road Warrior, and A Boy And His Dog), you’ll notice that many heroes keep a trusty K-9. The obvious reason is companionship, as going months without seeing another human can be maddening. While dogs do need to be fed, a tough breed can eat trash and carrion that you wouldn’t go near. The right kind of dog (larger breeds are best) can also offer protection and help with hunting, assuming natural flora and fauna still exist. Lastly, and I hate to say this, Fido can even become a meal if the situation gets desperate enough.

Solar Gadget Charger

Second only to clean water, a key to survival in a post-apocalyptic environment is the ability to watch movies. Classics like Tank Girl, Six String Samurai, and The Postman offer invaluable tips for survival in the wastelands. Luckily, portable solar-power devices have become more affordable. The 30 Watt Mono-crystalline Portable Briefcase Solar Panel 12V Charger is a bit pricey, but with it’s 25+ year life-span and ability to charge not only laptops but also any other gadget that can be plugged into a car cigarette lighter, it’s a must-have. Portable game systems, rechargeable flashlights, even GPS units (assuming the satellites haven’t been shot down by invading aliens), could be used for years after the collapse of the power grid.

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Two weeks ago I wrote a list of five doomsday films ranked by plausibility. The response to this piece made me realize that I overlooked the most pressing apocalyptic threat of all: zombies.

The onslaught of the living dead has been a mainstay of horror cinema for decades, beginning with the Bela Lugosi vehicle White Zombie in 1932. Over the following years zombies popped up in movies as one of many monstrous villains, often filling the minion role. It wasn’t until George Romero’s groundbreaking 1968 film Night of the Living Dead that the idea of a zombie apocalypse was introduced. Romero’s cannibalistic zombies have since become the archetype used in countless films, books, and video games. The cause of the virulent plague of the walking dead varies, however. Everything from spiritual curses, viruses, chemical weapons, and alien microorganisms have been used to explain the origin of zombies. Below the jump we examine the real-world evidence behind some of these threats, and which ones you should be most worried about.

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• Johnny Depp has officially confirmed he’ll be returning as Captain Jack in a fourth Pirates of the Caribbean installment. Additionally, at a special Disney event, in which the studio showcased it’s slate for exhibitors, Depp confirmed his role as the Mad Hatter in Tim Burton’s 3-D performance capture Alice in Wonderland and announced that he’ll play Tonto in Disney/Bruckheimer’s The Lone Ranger. Hopefully he’ll still have some room for more mature roles throughout his commitment to the Mouse House.
• Other announcements at the Disney event included the moving up of Cars 2 from 2012 to 2011, at which time “Cars Land” will open in part of Disney’s California Adventure amusement park. Also, Nic Cage is on board for National Treasure 3 and Oprah Winfrey is voicing the mother of “the first black Disney princess” in The Princess and the Frog.
• More returning franchises: Warner Bros. has officially announced the I Am Legend prequel, which will detail the “last days of humanity” section that you wished had just been in the first film.
• I’m beginning to think Guillermo Del Toro has cloned himself. In additon to having literally a million film projects on his slate, he’s also found time to co-write a trilogy of vampire novels for HarperCollins.
• At least Del Toro’s not also signed on to write and direct the remake of Tomas Alfredson’s new Swedish vampire pic Let the Right One In for returning horror producers Hammer Films. That would be Cloverfield’s Matt Reeves. By the way, Hollywood: can we take a break from the bloodsuckers soon? Vampires are starting to seem more over-employed than superheroes.
• Oh, and finally, speaking of overdoing things, Steven Spielberg will possibly direct another movie about a boy and his alien friend. This one will be based on the 1968 sci-fi novel Chocky and sounds more Drop Dead Fred than E.T.

It’s been awhile since I put the spotlight on a trailer mash-up, but I haven’t seen too many good ones lately. Have they gone out of fashion? Are internerds tired of watching such and such drama made to look like a comedy and such and such comedy made to look like a thriller? I don’t know, but this fake promo for Home Alone, recut to ape the I Am Legend trailer, is a evidence that the art of the mash-up should not be lost just yet.

I have one problem with it, though. While it’s as good an idea as the Kill Yoda spot from earlier this year, and it’s initially executed rather successfully with the captions and voice-over, it kinda loses me when Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern show up. And the shot of Kevin where there’s a bunch of people in the background completely ruins the whole idea. Some of the image/audio match-ups are perfect, at least, like the iconic aftershave gag.

• Anne Thompson reports that Ben Lyons (son of Jeffrey, E! channel regular, sometime boyfriend of the quiet one from The Hills) and Ben Mankiewicz (grandson of Herman, The Youngish Guy who hosts Turner Classic Movies on the weekends) are expected to be announced as hosts for the movie review show that will replace Ebert and Roeper. In her report, Anne directs a great, deadpan joke at Lyons: “Last year, he hailed I Am Legend as ‘one of the greatest movies ever made.’” Except it’s not a joke, and it’s not funny anymore.
• Fox Atomic has bought a pitch about “an ambulance-chasing personal injury lawyer” from Sacha Baron Cohen. Borat/I’m Alan Partridge writer Peter Baynham will do the script.
• Universal will start producing video games in-house, beginning with an adaptation of Wanted. Meanwhile, Paramount is working on developing three games based on modern classics aimed at teen girls: Clueless, Mean Girls and Pretty in Pink.

In response to Karina’s post from yesterday about plot songs, I feel it is necessary and timely to pay tribute today to the best plot song writer since Huey Lewis: Will Smith. From the ’80s on, Smith has provided the world with songs serving as storytelling supplements to his TV show, his movies and even other people’s movies. At times he has even prematurely released songs that could later be applied to movies for which he failed to attach an official plot song. Uh huh.

To get us started, here’s one for Hancock. It’s a song released three years ago, but it’s much more relevant now:

“Here He Comes” for Hancock

The above video is the closest thing I can find to a video for the song, which applies to Smith’s latest movie in three ways. (1) The title is close to the former title of the movie, “Tonight He Comes.” (2) It samples the theme to the Spider-Man TV series, fitting it in with the superhero plot. (3) It works as a big defense against all of the naysayers thinking he’s finally struck out with Hancock.

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Despite what Stephen Colbert says in the video above, Will Smith has not confirmed that he’s a Scientologist (nor has he denied it, of course). All that happened was that, according to the Daily News, Will Smith distributed cards promoting the Church of Scientology personality tests. Now, that may sound like Smith is attempting to recruit people, which isn’t something that a non-member would necessarily do, but the I Am Legend star has only so far claimed to be a “student of world religion” and has only really proven himself to be a good friend to Tom Cruise and a non-committed supporter of this particular religion (including donating thousands of dollars to Scientology programs).

So if Scientology is but one of the many world religions Smith is a fan of, where is the news that he’s handing out bibles and other religious promotional materials? Well, even if he was doing that, the news would still highlight this event because of how the media treats Scientology. Actually, I’m surprised the story hasn’t been covered more widely than it has been. Could it be that the media companies don’t want such potentially career-damaging news to be covered because they depend on Smith to save their Hollywood-centered butts? After all, Smith is currently the second biggest movie star in terms of box office gross, and it would be a shame if he suddenly became the sort of box office poison that Tom Cruise is now considered to be.

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I’d like to still say that I’ll watch Will Smith in anything, but as I still haven’t gotten around to seeing I Am Legend (and because of friends’ responses, I may not anytime soon), such a statement would be erroneous. Besides, after watching the new tweaked trailer for Hancock (courtesy of Chris at Movie Marketing Madness, who points out that it’s pretty much the same as the first Hancock trailer), Smith’s summer blockbuster for 2008 , I don’t know if I’m going to see that one either.

As if there aren’t enough worthy comic books to adapt, Hollywood has been giving us way too many gimmicky superhero movies — superheroes in a high school! superhero who’s your ex-girlfriend! superhero who has fallen out of favor and drinks his life away! — and the superhero concept has become the easiest pitch since that whole Die Hard in a ____ thing. The thing is, the idea behind Hancock, that of a public that’s pissed off about heroes that are more destructive than helpful, has already been alluded to enough in Watchmen (the graphic novel, which is also on its way to the big screen) and The Incredibles, which will never be equalled as far as non-adaptation superhero movies go. I guess Hancock is kind of like evil, drunk Superman in Superman III. But it’s Will Smith, so it’s … funnier?

I’m sure by drawing attention to it I’m essentially ensuring its demise–although, maybe not. Remember that six minute preview of The Dark Knight that’s been showing in front of IMAX prints of I Am Legend? The one that popped up on YouTube via camcorder bootleg and was promptly removed, causing the Guardian to make up a story about it having been “leaked” mistakenly? Um, it’s back, in the form of a new, better bootleg. Oddly, this one was posted three days ago–a lifetime for such a blatant copyright violation. Did the YouTube police take an extended holiday? Or has Warner Brothers decided to back off and let the blogs at it? Regardless, if you’re interested, you should probably watch it ASAP.

At the Guardian’s film blog, Sean Dodson erroneously paints WB’s release of the their six-minute Dark Knight prequel on IMAX prints of I Am Legend as an “accident”:

Holy bungled distribution Batman! The wrong trailer has been sent out! Or was it? Audiences in America who turned up to see an Imax preview of I am Legend this week have been treated to an apparent accidental taster of the forthcoming Batman movie, The Dark Knight, which is not due to arrive until July next year. Six minutes of the film were “accidentally” screened in Imax cinemas and the bootleg quickly leaked on to the internet.

Dodson doesn’t site any sources, so it’s hard to say why he reads this as “an accident”––beyond the fact that I guess he didn’t read this story, or this story, or this one, all of which indicate that Warner Brothers had made their intention to run the six minutes public as far back as October. But then, in a stunning feat of blog cliche, he cynically spins this non-accident as a devious conspiracy devised by evil marketing geniuses:

But although Warner pulled the bootleg preview from YouTube earlier today, you can’t help but wonder if this was accident or design…All those who saw it reported that the six minutes of raw action didn’t half leave them panting for more. The Joker couldn’t have planned it better.

So, to recap: Warner Brothers said they were going to show a six minute Joker short before I Am Legend. Then they showed a six minute Joker short before I Am Legend. When a camcorder bootleg of this footage ended up on YouTube, Warner Brothers had it removed, in an attempt to protect their copyright and further bolster ticket sales for I Am Legend. Then a blogger accused Warner Brothers of intentionally leaking the short but deviously making it look like an accident.

I get it now. This is why they hate us.

UPDATE: Sorry kids, the party’s over. As of 4:27 pm, this video “is no longer available due to a copyright claim by Warner Bros. Entertainment Inc.” If you find it elsewhere online, let me know.

I doubt it’ll stay up through the day (you probably have about three hours before the work day begins in L.A. and someone at either WB or YouTube figures it out), but a camcorder bootleg of the Joker-centric Dark Knight prequel/preview/possible first six minutes of the movie that has been tacked on to IMAX screenings of I Am Legend is currently on YouTube. I meant to go see if for myself this weekend, but thanks to a snowstorm and general end-of-year madness, that just didn’t happen. As far as the bootleg goes, between the muffled sound and the dutch-angled, lap-eye view, I’ll have to watch it a couple of times through to fully get what’s going on, but doesn’t it sort of seem like one of the Joker’s doomed cronies is doing a Jack Nicholson impression? And if so–spoiler alert–then maybe the point of this preview is not, as Christopher Nolan previously stated, to tell the story of “The Rise of the Joker,” but to literally kill off our impression of the Joker as based on Nicholson’s performance in Tim Burton’s Batman?

I’m probably wrong. I’m sure you’ll tell me all about it.

• Was it star power? Strong reviews? The kind of holiday shopping climate that makes hiding out in a movie theater all weekend seem ideal? Whatever it was, I Am Legend bested all expectations this weekend, to take home $76 million at the domestic box office. That’s the best December opening of all time, stronger than any of the Lord of the Rings films. Meanwhile, from the Adding Insult to Injury File: The Golden Compass continued to disappoint, while Alvin and the Chipmunks scored $45 million in its first weekend.
• On the “specialty” side: Atonement and No Country For Old Men rode their Golden Globe nominations into the overall top ten, landing at spots nine and five, respectively. Expanding to 140-something screens, Juno earned $36,018 per screen–more than any other film, and good for eleventh place overall.
• Awards sludge: the Academy has declared 15 films, including the animated films Beowulf and Ratatouille, eligible for Visual Effects prizes; the American Film Institute put out their annual, totally unremarkable list of the ten best films of the year.
• Is it even news, when Jon Favreau joins the cast of a film already starring Vince Vaughn? Apparently.