We’re starting to hear some positive buzz about G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. Apparently it doesn’t rape or ruin your childhood; rather, it may make you feel like a kid again. This is what a toy/cartoon adaptation should do, we guess, but we still wish they’d made a Reagan-era-style war movie instead of a CG-heavy action blockbuster with too much comic relief. Because even when we were little we knew the property was a young person’s version of the conservative, Cold War-informed military pictures of the 1980s. And if Rambo could get his own Saturday morning animated series, why couldn’t we get a hard-R-rated G.I. Joe after all these years?

We know the answer to that question, but that doesn’t change the fact that we’re disappointed. See, while others might feel GIJTROC has ruined their childhood by being too unfaithful to the action figures and show, we feel it’s ruined our childhood because it isn’t the movie we dreamed of. So that’s how the following list of films was selected. Instead of going for all the obvious remakes and video game adaptations (we’ve never cared about games), we’re focusing on movies that really turned our beloved films, comics and cartoons of our youth into something we’re now almost embarrassed to ever admit we enjoyed.
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I’m not in the mood to trash Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull for the billionth time today, but the hot story on the blogs appears to be Indy related, so I’ll try to get through this disappointing story as quick as possible. According to Shia LaBeouf (in an interview with the BBC), Steven Spielberg has “cracked a story on” a fifth installment of the franchise, and the young actor thinks “they’re gearing that up.”

Of course that means little except that the series has survived despite having “nuked the fridge” (a term actually spawned by the ridiculousness of the fourth film), and it will continue grasping through life with some level of radiation sickness (aka further crappiness) as a result. Because I’m something of a cinematic masochist (you have to be in this line of work), I’ll probably see the next sequel, and the next, but I’ve got lower expectations for this thing than I’ve had for any movie ever greenlit.

Let’s see if any other bloggers feel the same way after the jump:
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Last night, a crowd in Austin surprisingly found themselves at the U.S. premiere of the new Star Trek movie after being duped with promise of a new print of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (and a mere ten minutes of the upcoming film). Of course, this being Aint It Cool territory, there were movie blog people in attendance, and of course these guys have given the reboot glowing reviews. But their praises can’t simply be explained away by the fact that the audience is part of the Trekkie choir, because certainly those fans don’t love every Star Trek movie. Otherwise there wouldn’t be such thing as the “Star Trek movie curse” on the odd-numbered installments.

Maybe they were just positive in their reviews because that’s what these kinds of guys do in situations like this. Think of it this way: if diehard Superman II, Raiders of the Lost Ark or The Empire Strikes Back fans were lured in with the promise of new prints of those films, hosted by Richard Donner or George Lucas or Harrison Ford, and the respective hosts surprised the audience with pre-release screenings of Superman Returns, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull or The Phantom Menace, they would have been disappointed and some would possibly have written negative reviews. But if those fans were the type of movie bloggers who post reviews in between uploading photos of themselves with celebrities on Facebook, then there might be something more to it than simple fan-based bias.

I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with these kinds of bloggers, of course. I actually appreciate that they love movies as much as they do. And certainly anybody who criticizes their positivity is only jealous that they didn’t get to see the movie yet. So consider that when reading the following responses:
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Next week, Vin Diesel returns (along with Paul Walker, Michelle Rodriguez and Jordanna Brewster) to the Fast and the Furious franchise, which he’d abandoned after the first movie (he did have a cameo in part 3). When news first hit that he’d be reprising the role of Dominic Toretto for the fourth installment, simply titled Fast & Furious, most of us saw the actor as returning under a veil of shame. Because he initially departed the series with an inflated ego — and with it unrealistic salary demands — it does seem obvious that Diesel is now only desperately crawling back because his career failed to take off the way he’d hoped it would.

This is quite sad considering not even Steve Guttenberg ever crawled back to the Police Academy movies, nor did Burt Reynolds ever get dragged back for a fourth Smokey and the Bandit. But there have been other shameful returns by stars to franchises they’d previously sat out of (whether the hiatus was of their own choosing or not). Only one of these may have been as desperate as Diesel now appears, but it’s worth looking at four additional actors and actresses who should be very embarrassed of their delayed reprisals.
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It’s amazing, and really quite sad, that nearly a decade after the release of The Phantom Menace, people are still complaining about George Lucas. Sure, he also messed up his Indiana Jones franchise last summer, but whatever, there’s nothing we can do about it except skip out on further Lucas productions. The diehards are still apparently with him enough to have gotten the Clone Wars TV series renewed, to continually dress up in Star Wars costumes for comic conventions, and to eventually even buy Fanboys when it hits DVD (the movie’s terrible $200,000 gross in its first week isn’t so much a reflection on fan interest so much as it’s the fault of The Weinstein Co.’s distinterest).

So, is there really any reason for the film The People vs. George Lucas, which is still a year away from release, to exist? Hasn’t the internet supplied plenty of documentation on the hatred of Lucas over the past ten years? Now that we have an early trailer for the film to look at, here’s what the blogosphere has to say on the doc and the issue in general:

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Are you one of the many sci-fi and comic book geeks who’d be more interested in Push were it not for Dakota Fanning? Sure, the precocious child star is now a teen actress (she’s about to turn 15), yet that probably makes you even more worried about her appearance in the movie. But what can you do? She’s literally everywhere this week – voicing the title character in the animated Coraline and starring in two new video releases, Hounddog and The Secret Life of Bees, both of which were released Tuesday. In the tradition of child actors continuing careers into adolescence, it’s only a matter of time before she ruins a movie that would have been better without her.

We’ll have to wait until this weekend to see if that time is now, with Push, but in the meantime let’s take a look at some of the past offenders in this tradition. Most of the following former child actors (our definition: actors that began their career below the age of 13) have done great things in their adulthood, but each has done at least one film that could have been better without him or her. You may disagree with some of these picks, and you may think we’ve forgotten some (was Christian Bale really the worst part of The Dark Knight? did Mary-Kate Olsen’s disturbing kiss with Ben Kingsley take away from The Wackness?), so do share your own thoughts on former child stars below. We just ask that you keep your comments somewhat tasteful and law-abiding.
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It was shut out of the Oscar race for Best Documentary Feature, but Blessed is the Match: The Life and Death of Hannah Senesh, now playing in New York City, could easily inspire a Hollywood film about the life of its heroic subject. And that dramatic version could potentially garner multiple Academy Award nominations. It wouldn’t be the first time a figure documented in a nonfiction film was later portrayed in an Oscar-nominated movie. In fact, one of this year’s Best Picture contenders, Milk, is almost like a remake of the 1984 Oscar-winning documentary The Times of Harvey Milk.

Actual dramatic remakes of documentaries include Werner Herzogs’ Rescue Dawn, which revisits the subject of his earlier nonfiction film Little Dieter Needs to Fly, Michael Caton-Jones’ Memphis Belle, which fictionalizes the story of William Wyler’s doc The Memphis Belle: A Story of a Flying Fortress, and Martin Bell’s American Heart, which is loosely based on one of the subjects of his Oscar-nominated doc Streetwise. Also, the upcoming HBO dramatic film Grey Gardens was inspired by the Maysles brothers’ doc of the same name, and Hollywood has toyed with or announced remakes of the films The King of Kong, Murderball, Bra Boys and Sherman’s March.

To carry on the tradition, we’ve selected nine nonfiction films in addition to Blessed is the Match that would make great dramatic features.
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Both are broadly classifiable as science fiction, but Alien is basically a horror flick and Aliens has all the conventions of a war film. That’s a pretty slick transition from one type of movie to another, especially since the switch was so immediate within the series. Most movie franchises don’t play with genre in such a way until they’ve gone through a number of sequels, and even then the series usually just simply takes its characters into outer space, a la Moonraker, Jason X and Leprechaun 4.

Genre jumping isn’t that easy, though, unless a franchise inhabits a whole universe in which to expand through. Like Star Wars, for example. Originally a film series, the Star Wars franchise spread out into novels, which has allowed for dips into the romance genre and now horror. That’s right, an upcoming novel by horror author Joe Schreiber, titled Deathtroopers, takes the Star Wars universe into frightening territory described by Schreiber as “in the vein of The Shining and Alien, with a little dose of William Gibson mixed in.”

So, if Star Wars can venture into the horror genre, what other movie franchises should attempt a genre jump? To toy with the idea, we’ve selected five film series in need of a change and suggested a possible redirection of genre for each.
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Should special effects only be used to service a film’s story, or is it perfectly fine for movies to feature extraneous spectacle? That’s a debate that comes up often among cineastes, but ultimately there’s room for both functions. Sometimes, in cases like Jurassic Park and The Matrix, both categories of effects may even faultlessly coexist in the same film. Yet there is one kind of effects employment that’s intolerable to all film-loving parties: the gratuitous exploitation for the sole purpose of brazen gimmickry. It’s this kind of effects work that goes beyond spectacle. It’s not so much a show as a show off.

For one example of this cinematic sin check out Karina’s review of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, in which she references a scene featuring an inessential and irrelevant rocket launch in the background of an otherwise intimate moment between two lovers on a sailboat. Actually, that’s apparently only a minor citation in a “a film about the feat of its own whiz-bang, Frankensteinian digital imagery, drunk on its own accomplishment to an extent that feels quasi-ethical.” Hardly the first movie to commit such a crime, sure, but Benjamin Button seems to be the most thoroughly guilty exploiter since Forrest Gump (both films, incidentally, were scripted by Eric Roth).

So, in (dis)honor of Roth’s repeat offense, let’s take a short look at the worst exploitations of special effects in the last 15 years:
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• Jay and Mark Duplass are abandoning the mumblecore movement for Hollywood. And not only will they work with a bigger budget, they’ve also acquired an Apatow-appropriate cast featuring John C. Reilly, Jonah Hill and Marisa Tomei. The untitled comedy (formerly called Safety Man) will have us believe that Tomei actually birthed Hill and still looks as good as she does.
• Let the Mamma Mia! copycats come forward: New Line has bought the rights to the Off-Broadway musical Rock of Ages, which features a ton of 1980s rock anthems from bands like Journey, Twisted Sister, Foreigner, REO Speedwagon, Styx and Mr. Big (see the full list of musical numbers here). Despite the title, though, there’s apparently no Def Leppard. Start growing your mullet now and we’ll see you on opening night for some heavy metal sing-a-long goodness.
• While Hollywood is abuzz with news of one female director being canned from a franchise, Fox 2000 has signed on another female director to take over a franchise. Of course, it’s only Betty Thomas and the movie she’s been hired for is Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakuel (yes, that’s the real title), so it’s still not that exciting a step for womankind.
• Brad Pitt will star in The Lost City of Z, a true story in which he’ll play Col. Percy Fawcett, an explorer who allegedly served as the inspiration for both Indiana Jones and Kent Allard (aka The Shadow). James Gray is directing.
• We still have to wait almost a year before seeing Benicio Del Toro as The Wolfman, since Universal pushed back the horror remake from April to November. Also, Ridley Scott’s Nottingham is delayed until 2010.

Harrison Ford’s newest movie Crossing Over opens this weekend may never open ever (see comments below — Ed.) and it looks like a mashup of Babel and Crash. In the trailer, Ford seems to be going through the motions of a role we’ve become used to seeing him in: the gruff older man who gets angry about something and decides to take matters into his own hands. It’s most reminiscent of his Jack Ryan character in Clear and Present Danger, right down to shots that look pretty darn close to each other.

It’s more of a reminder that so many of Harrison Ford’s films in these past few years have fallen flat on their face both with audiences and at the box office. He tried to do comedy with Anne Heche in Six Days, Seven Nights, and again with Josh Hartnett in Hollywood Homicide. Neither one of them worked. He also missed with the romantic drama Random Hearts and the drama/actioner K19: The Widowmaker. There was brief respite from his lackluster roles with What Lies Beneath, but then he turned to mediocrity with Firewall. Then came the new Indy, which granted, wasn’t his fault. He was great it in, but the writing was just too bad to get past.

Crossing Over doesn’t look like it’ll bust Ford out of the boring movie mold he’s encased in, so here are some suggestions for him to turn things around. Despite the fact that this guy could retire tomorrow and live off of his earnings forever, he seems intent on continuing to act. Let’s hope he pays attention.

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Ben Burtt has the most amazing job in Hollywood: he gets to creates sounds and even characters for some of the geekiest things in the movies. Lightsabers, the sound of the Ark of the Covenant being opened, WALL•E’s distinctive tread noises –– Burtt came up with different ways to create them all. What’s really impressive is that he doesn’t create most these on a computer or with a synthesizer, he actually goes out in the real world and gets them by hand.

When asked about the distinctive sound of Indiana Jones’ pistol, which sounds like a cannon blast whenever he fires it, Burtt responds, “Oh, that’s my 30-30 Winchester rifle. We found a little box canyon that gave us a perfect little echo, so if you listen to that closely you can hear a really quick echo every time he fires that pistol.” That’s the sort of stuff that I really geek out on. There’s more where that came from after the jump.

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Whether you’re a South Park viewer or a reader of many film blogs, you’ve probably seen the disturbing (though not disturbingly funny) clip of Steven Spielberg and George Lucas raping Indiana Jones. As much as I too was disappointed with Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, though, I find the South Park thing more upsetting, and I’ll probably have a more difficult time getting the image of Indy in whitey tighties being mounted by Spielberg out of my head than I did erasing the memory of Shia LaBeouf swinging through the trees with a bunch of monkey friends.

Speaking of LaBeouf, he’s the star of today’s Clip of the Day in lieu of the rape thing (which I don’t want to subject anyone to, if they’ve managed to avoid it so far). Because everyone knows Spielberg loves LaBeouf — as an actor; get the rape and other related thoughts out of your head — the site Spill.com has put together a little animated montage of what it would be like had LaBeouf starred in (or were he inserted into, via effects magic) Spielberg’s past movies. I like it mainly because I’m already obsessed with the Shia LaBeouf “no no no no no” thing (see this past Clip), which works perfectly in the old movies. The Close Encounters musical version is especially great.

• Disney still loves its cash calf, Miley Cyrus, and is doing all it can to see her mature in its own pastures. The studio has hired Nicholas Sparks for a tailor-made project along the lines of his A Walk to Remember. He’ll simultaneously pen the novel and script, the plot and title of which are unknown. The only thing certain about the film is that it won’t feature any singing parts for Cyrus.
• Though I wish it was for another Romancing the Stone sequel (yeah, really), it’s great that Michael Douglas and Danny DeVito will be reunited once again for the Steven Soderbergh-produced Solitary Man, in which Douglas is to play a sex-addicted car dealer.
• More South Korea firsts: following the recent news that Universal is financing a South Korean film, Sony Pictures has announced a production that will be the first mainstream Hollywood movie to shoot in the country. Unfortunately, the movie is Beverly Hills Ninja 2, starring David Hasselhoff.
• Umm, Nicole Kidman will now be to Indiana Jones what Jason Bourne is to James Bond?