In 2008 we began the year in entertainment by bidding a premature goodbye to hottie Heath Ledger, his death casting a shadow on summer blockbuster The Dark Knight; and ended it by delivering a fond farewell to “The Dark Angel,” the Marilyn Monroe of the fetish world, “Queen of Pin-Up” Bettie Page. In between we lost numerous other screen sizzlers: Charlton Heston, Paul Newman, Suzanne Pleshette, even Vampira! But since the New Year is a time to look forward as well as pay tribute to the sexy stars we leave behind, I’ve compiled my wish list for a very steamy 2009.
1. Woody & Bond Make a Porno
In 2009 Woody Allen must continue his 2008 sexy success with Vicky Cristina Barcelona by directing a porn flick. Preferably starring Daniel Craig.
Yup, 2008 was the year Woody Allen figured out that casting hot tamales like Javier Bardem and Penelope Cruz can do wonders for your onscreen sex life. So now that the Woodman’s discovered the cinema equivalent of Viagra, it’s time for him to take the next step: toss that neurotic crutch into the Hudson (or Thames or Seine) and finally shoot his long-awaited, hardcore remake of Bergman’s The Passion of Anna.
JCVD opens wide this weekend, and it’s no secret that I wasn’t a huge fan of the movie. Still, the screening I attended in Toronto was thronged with college students, howling at every mention of Van Damme’s name, so it’s safe to say that the Muscles from Brussels still enjoys a lot of popularity. It’s just unfortunate that people think that translates to JCVD being a good film. It’s not. So to swing the scales in the other direction, here are five moments from Jean Claude Van Damme films that are a lot more fun than anything in JCVD.
At face value, JCVD sounds like a lot of fun. Jean-Claude Van Damme plays a version of himself in this fictional film, and it opens with an extremely over the top action sequence. Van Damme slugs, knifes, and kicks his way through all of the action in one take, only to have part the set fall apart when another actor closes the door. He pleads with the bored director that he’s old and he can’t do it in one take. The director ignores him and hurls darts into a photo of the Hollywood sign. Symbolism, anyone?
Unfortunately, the film derails so suddenly that you’ll check yourself for nosebleed. It moves from a campy farce into what you can only assume is a semi-autobiographical film that takes places half in the fantasy mind of director Mabrouk El Mechri, and half inside the warped opinion that Jean-Claude has of himself. Either that or director and star decided to get together and reinvent the old Jean-Claude as the new Jean-Claude. Meet the new boss, same as the old boss.
Fantastic Fest, held at the Alamo Drafthouse in Austin in September, announced a number of films and events today. As expected, the Jean-Claude Van Damme meta-biopicJCVD made the cut, as did the Leos Carax/Michel Gondry/Joon-ho Bong omnibus, Tokyo! Other highlights:
Wicked Lake, in which “four buxom ladies head out to the country for some good old-fashioned naked lesbian Wiccan frolicking.”
Fear(s) of the Dark, a collection of six animated horror shorts by acclaimed graphic novelists (see trailer above).
Santos, which has probably the most baffling film festival catalog capsule description I’ve ever seen: “A wild, sweeping tale of comic book nerds versus superheroes in a battle for the future of mankind. Think Ultraman with a Latin American brain transplant.”
Also: at 2pm EST today, if you’re on Twitter (check) and you’re planning to attend Fantastic Fest (check), you should send the following message to your followers:
I’m heading to Fantastic Fest (Sept 18-25)! Join me there and pass it on! New films and fun announced at http://www.fantasticfest.com
Those who mass tweet will be get themselves on the list for the Fantastic Fest opening night after-party.
We’re all aware that the ’80s action movie hero is back in full force in the 2000s. Stallone brought back Rambo, Bruce Willis brought back Die Hard’s John McClane, Harrison Ford just brought back Indiana Jones. But what does someone like Jean-Claude Van Damme do? He’s an iconic action star of the same period, yet he hasn’t a single iconic action hero role with which to stage a comeback. To us, he was always simply Jean-Claude Van Damme. Which is why it’s all the more appropriate that his big return is with a meta-movie in which he plays himself.
J.C.V.D.premiered at the Cannes film market this month (Karina showed us the teaser trailer pre-fest) and it’s been labeled a surprise hit. But does it deserve prime U.S. distro, or would it be more appropriate for it to go straight to DVD in America? As far as I’m aware, it hasn’t been picked up for either, yet. But anyone taking note of two excitable blurbs on GreenCine today should be hopeful that we’ll get to see it Stateside soon. My favorite of the two:
Variety points to a teaser for J.C.V.D., a tongue-in-cheek Jean-Claude Van Damme biopic starring the faded action titan as himself, which will be hyped at this year’s Cannes Market. According to the teaser’s YouTube page, the clip was put together for last year’s Cannes Market; according to IMDb, J.C.V.D. already has a French release planned for June, but U.S. distribution is apparently still up for grabs.
We’ve had a bit of trouble getting this episode to go through the iTunes feed, so we hope this re-post will fix the problem. The original post, with episode description and embedded player, is here.
filmcouch-114
