I haven’t yet seen Land of the Lost. I’m too busy hangin’ with my grandma in Arizona and trying out D-Box Motion Code seats (Grandma didn’t accompany me for that experience, unfortunately). But the truth is, I wasn’t planning on seeing it, despite my regular appreciation for Will Ferrell vehicles. After today, however, I’ve changed my mind, and I plan to check out the TV adaptation as soon as I return to NYC.

Why should I bother, given the abysmal 25% rating on Rotten Tomatoes and the sad score of 32 at Metacritic? Because I trust the few positive reviews and defenses I’ve read on the movie blogs this afternoon. And to let the positive spin possibly influence you, I’ve quoted and linked some of these recommendations after the jump:
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A plaque was recently erected in front of Roger Ebert’s childhood home, and to further commemorate the occasion, the critic has put together a gallery of other film critic’s childhood homes. The house where I lived from ages 6-17 (and again for 6 months of post-college unemployment, a period marked by a lot of Real World/Road Rules Challenge watching and a desperate attempt to get a job as a PA at the E! network) is represented in the gallery, as are images of the domestic sites that spawned critics like Carrie Rickey, Joe Leydon, Mick LaSalle and more. My dad still lives in the house depicted, so when film criticism becomes fully extinct and I’m forced to move back home, my photo can be painlessly repurposed for a gallery of Current Squats of Destitute Former Film Critics.

What is worse about the now-infamous Watchmen sex scene (watch it here), the distracting soundtrack or the explosive metaphor at the climax? Even if intended to be funny, and regardless of its (more-subtle) appearance in the graphic novel, the fire blast as stand-in for ejaculation is so cliché that it has no place in a story that means to shatter conventions. Plus, sexual metaphor is a little unnecessary in a film that already has a lot of nudity and a distinct moment of impotence. Especially at the end of a scene that is quite gratuitous compared to the comic’s depiction, that blast is more a symbol of how incorrectly handled Watchmen is than of the orgasms it’s intended to represent.

Between that shot in Watchmen and our recent list of sexiest non-sex scenes, we have had bad sex-scene clichés on the brain. So, to relieve us from the tension of list-making blue balls, we’ve decided to release this short burst of a list for discussion. Think we should have included saxophone-heavy soundtracks or any other cliché you’ve come to notice, let us know in the comments.
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Call it the Rorschach theory of criticism: some movies function best as mirrors, inspiring writing that says more about the writer than the film. Watchmaker Films’ fabulous new DVD release of Eagle Pennell’s The Whole Shootin’ Match, the 1978 DIY feature which famously inspired Robert Redford to launch the Sundance Institute, which would eventually take over the Utah/U.S. Film Festival where he saw it play, includes an unusually artful documentary by Pennell’s brother/composer and nephew, an interview with the filmmaker, a soundtrack CD and an extensive package of writings on the film from the likes of Paul Cullum, Emmanuel Levy, and SXSW founder Lewis Black.

Two reviews by Roger Ebert are reprinted: the critic’s original three-star assessment from the Chicago Sun-Times, dated April 9, 1980; and a reevaluation pegged to the film’s 2007 restoration. Upping his rating by an additional star, Ebert focuses much of his second Shootin’ piece on Pennell’s alcoholism (the filmmaker essentially drank himself to death shortly before turning 50 in 2002) and the ways in which it can be seen to inform every frame of his first feature. Ebert remembers seeing Shootin’ for the first time at Telluride in 1980: “I went for a walk on the mountain-side with Eagle and mentioned that he had made a film about alcoholism. He said that had never occurred to him, though he thought I was right.” If this lengthy CHICAGO magazine profile on the critic is to be believed, that conversation took place just a year after Ebert entered treatment to deal with his own drinking problem.

It’s possible that this is just that time of year and I have SXSW on the brain, but when I watched The Whole Shootin’ Match a few days ago, more than seeing the film as a love/hate letter to the bottle, more than spotting its shared DNA with various films by Richard Linklater and Andrew Bujalski (and, to a lesser extent, Wes Anderson and Gus Van Sant), I saw it as a catalyst for a conversation about Austin’s evolving film cultural history.

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Last week, Roger Ebert finally got around to destroying reviewing Ben Stein’s anti-evolution film, Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed. Ebert’s rant is as cerebral as it is merciless, and it’s worth a read even if you haven’t seen the film. He makes some good points about how the film completely misunderstands the concepts of probability and selection, forming flashy but ultimately useless argument.

Ebert’s rage is thinly veiled. He’s obviously upset that clear logical fallacies can go unnoticed by so many people. Sure, misreading Darwin while attempting to refute him is a lame move when engaging in scientific debate, but the practice is quite common when it comes to filmmaking. When movies deal with evolution, there’s an unspoken understanding that they can completely distort the theory beyond recognition. It’s kind of like calling someone a pedophile during a Friar’s Club Roast, everyone knows it isn’t true, and it’s all in good fun.

When you look at it in this way, Expelled is just the latest in a long line of films that distort the theory of evolution to make a buck. Here are 5 more that are guilty of crimes against the origin of humanity:

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Behold, Roger’s Little Rule Book, Ebert’s lengthy, biting, and hilarious list of dos and don’ts for professional film critics.

All of Ebert’s suggestions are good, although I especially like the one about “No posing for photos” with famous people (”No movie star ever wants to do this. They may smile, but they’re gritting their teeth”), with the exception made for “real photos of you really with a movie star…taken at a real event by a real other person unknown to you who didn’t ask anyone if he could take it.”  But also, as Gary Susman notes at PopWatch, most of the Rules seem to directly reference Ebert’s At the Movies replacement, Ben Lyons.

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After reading Anne Thompson’s post on the dismal reception given to the youth-baiting rethink of At The Movies starring Ben Lyons and Ben Mankiewicz, I decided I had better watch The Two Bens’ first episode online to see what all the griping is about. It actually starts off rather well: Mankiewicz is totally qualified for this job, although it’s a bit of a wonder he was even hired, what with his TCM-honed, “I am going to explain this very slowly because my viewers may be aged” manner of speaking. But then he tosses it to Lyons, who says something completely incoherent about Burn After Reading being “almost like an exercise in drama,” and then they cut back Mankiewicz, who struggles to croak out, “Yeah, that’s an interesting point,” whilst swallowing his own testicles. At that point, I stopped.

Interestingly, another thing that I wasn’t able to force myself to watch all the way through this week also had to do with the sorry contemporary incarnation of the former gold standard for televised movie reviews.

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The Democratic National Convention is over, and all the ecstatic party members have left Denver to go back to their zombie-esque lives (Bob Hope said it, not me). But after four days of celebrating what it means to be a Democrat, some may not wish to settle down and calmly wait out the next two months until Obama’s (possible) win, let alone the next five months waiting for the candidate to (possibly) be sworn in as President, participating in the normal non-specifically-Democratic, non-self-congratulatory activities that most of us are content with.

So, one thing excited Democrats can do is watch movies that will continue to inspire and encourage their beliefs and politics. As Karina already wrote, The American President is one movie that just barely may allow Obama fans to relive his DNC speech. Also, beginning yesterday, the Oscar-nominated documentary No End in Sight will be available in full on YouTube through till Election Day. Of course, there’s always other anti-war and anti-Bush docs for free viewing online, at such sites as SnagFilms and FreeDocumentaries.org.

And since there are so many docs out there that can make a Democrat giddy with the want for change, I’ve decided to limit today’s list to fictions and dramatizations, because they are more about feelings than facts, and that’s all you really need for political inspiration these days. As usual, I’m leaving out a lot of picks, both obvious and obscure, so feel free to tell us what movie make you feel most proud to be a Democrat.

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• “There’s been a bit of talk lately about Manic Pixie Dream Girls,” writes Matt Prigge. “It got me thinking about a more interesting and reflexive variation on this character: the kook.” Examples include Annie Hall, “most Eric Rohmer women,” and Marcia Rudd’s character from Little Murders, which screens tonight at BAM in Brooklyn with a Q & A with Elliott Gould to follow.
• Laure Parsons has launched Infinicine, a new site with news coverage, discussion boards and other resourced dedicated to “information and dialog about the brave new world of digital distribution.”
• At the FILMMAKER Blog, Scott Macaulay points to Roger Ebert’s three-and-a-half star review of Frownland, which opens in Chicago today. Ebert acknowledges that the film is a tricky sell––”Now why would you want to see this film? Most readers of this review probably wouldn’t. I’m writing for the rest of us”––but ultimately calls the film a “rebirth of the need for expression that inspired the American independent movement in the first place.”

• Anne Thompson reports that Ben Lyons (son of Jeffrey, E! channel regular, sometime boyfriend of the quiet one from The Hills) and Ben Mankiewicz (grandson of Herman, The Youngish Guy who hosts Turner Classic Movies on the weekends) are expected to be announced as hosts for the movie review show that will replace Ebert and Roeper. In her report, Anne directs a great, deadpan joke at Lyons: “Last year, he hailed I Am Legend as ‘one of the greatest movies ever made.’” Except it’s not a joke, and it’s not funny anymore.
• Fox Atomic has bought a pitch about “an ambulance-chasing personal injury lawyer” from Sacha Baron Cohen. Borat/I’m Alan Partridge writer Peter Baynham will do the script.
• Universal will start producing video games in-house, beginning with an adaptation of Wanted. Meanwhile, Paramount is working on developing three games based on modern classics aimed at teen girls: Clueless, Mean Girls and Pretty in Pink.

It’s not a total surprise, given his health problems and that to-do last year about his iconic thumbs, but Roger Ebert has just sent out a statement announcing his definitive split from his long-running TV show, most recently called Ebert and Roeper. Ebert still co-owns the thumbs and says he’s “discussing possibilities” to keep that brand alive. The full statement is pasted after the jump.

Thoughts?

UPDATE: This CNN story says Richard Roeper will not be part of Disney/ABC’s “new direction,” and in fact plans to “proceed elsewhere … as the co-host of a movie review show that honors the standards established by Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert more than 30 years ago. I will be free to share the details on that program in the near future.” We’ll be waiting with bated breath.

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Your Blogger is having some computer issues this morning. While I get sorted, check out this blog post from Roger Ebert , in which he ponders the never ending Democratic primary in cinematic terms. “It must have been a species of torture for the anchors at CNN, who seemed caught in a Groundhog Day loop… The problem with a screenplay based on these events is that there would be a merciless sameness.” That quote brought to mind two things. First, this has probably been done already, but someone should do some kind of linguistic/historical study, charting the evolution of references to that movie as a universally identified synonym for eternal recurrence. Also: YouTube! The above clip, Groundhog Day in 5 Seconds, which reduces the Bill Murray classic to nothing but merciless sameness.

Jim Emerson alerts us to some good news and some bad news in regards to Roger Ebert. The good news: Roger now has a blog! The bad news: last night he used the blog to announce that he won’t be attending this year’s installment of his Overlooked Film Festival as planned, due to a broken hip:

Sigh. I was really happy with this one…A broken hip adds to my tour of medical adventures. My current plan is to take it easy, obey the doctors orders, and start writing reviews again.

In the meantime, my heart will be in Urbana. Old friends like Bill and Carolyne Nack, Richard and Mary Corliss and Barry Avrich and Hannah Fisher will meet new ones. Chaz [Ebert's wife] will be the Emcee. Again, David Bordwell and Kristin Thompson will add their gravitas and wit to the proceedings.

We wish Roger well, and will be keeping an eye on Jim’s reports from the festival, as well as Ms. Lisa Rosman’s blog.

• Roger Ebert, who underwent his third cancer-related surgery in January, has posted a letter on his web site announcing his intention to return to reviewing films for the Chicago Sun-Times after the 2008 installment of his Overlooked Film Festival. Ebert says that another operation would be required in order to restore his ability to speak, but he’s holding off for the time being. “I am still cancer-free, and not ready to think about more surgery at this time,” he writes, “I should be content with the abundance I have.”
• According to TimeOut London, Pedro Almodovar will be blogging throughout the production of his next film, Broken Hugs. The blog will allegedly live here, but when I go to the page all I get is a sea of blackness.
• Chris Thilk approves of the Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull SuperPoke Facebook application, and he explains why:  “I would be willing to bet there were more than a few people saying the studio needed to build their own “Whip Your Friends” application. But instead they decided to add functionality to an existing one, one that has a decent adoption rate already.”
• At Twitch, Peter Martin offers a list that looks like it has the potential to become a giant meme: his Top 5 Experiences with New Cinema, or “the initial excursions into unexplored territory, the tentative expanding of boundaries and possibilities and new ways of looking at the world, all things that came about only when I broke down barriers I had set for myself and sampled various types of new cinema.”