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10 Best Masturbation Scenes

Christopher Campbell
By Christopher Campbell posted 1 year ago
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Andrew Sarris may be one of the most influential American film critics, but here’s a claim, located within his recent review of In Search of a Midnight Kiss, that may not hold up to some of his better-remembered theories: “Even when we confront 40-year-old virgins of either gender, movies refuse to show them compensating for the lack of a sexual partner. There is lasting shame involved in this spectacle.”

Not to ever, ever profess superiority over Sarris, but I’ve nonetheless compiled today’s list as a way of proving the man wrong. There are actually tons and tons of masturbation scenes found in non-porn movies, from the low brow to the high brow, from as indirect as the boy wizard playing with his wand under the covers in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban to as direct as the non-simulated masturbation in Michael Winterbottom’s 9 Songs and John Cameron Mitchell’s Shortbus (which would probably feature my #1 pick, from the sound of it, if I ever bothered to see it).

The following 10 films are some of the most memorable masturbation scenes, excluding any movies that might be considered examples of, in Sarris’ words, “the fringe exploitation genres” (I’ve even gone so far as to leave out mainstream horror like The Exorcist, considering it’s crucifix masturbation is far from the self-pleasuring moments Sarris is clearly interested in). Oh, and I’ve attempted to chart these films artistically from lowbrow to high.

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Trailer of the Day: Smart People

Christopher Campbell
By Christopher Campbell posted 1 year ago
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If you were even slightly irritated by Ellen Page’s too-precocious performance in Juno, then you might want to avoid the trailer for Noam Murro’s Smart People. In the movie, which screened at Sundance last week, Page plays yet another teen who seems too smart for her own good. In fact, it is obvious that the trailer is trying to make this character appear similar to her Oscar-nominated role. Now, I’m not one of the many Juno haters, and I think Page has talent, but doesn’t it take away from her performance in Juno to show us that she’s doing the exact same thing in her follow-up? Never mind the fact that Smart People seems like The Squid and the Whale meets The Ballad of Jack and Rose — I’ve heard that it is pretty funny and smart despite its familiar territories — I’m more turned off by the fact that it’s like Juno II without our favorite Juno I actors (Cera, Bateman and Simmons, of course).

Not that you can go wrong with Thomas Haden Church, with or without a catfish mustache (I just watched Spider-Man 3 for the first time, and he’s the only good thing about it). Here he plays the adopted brother of a pompous Carnegie Mellon professor played by Dennis Quaid. Page plays Quaid’s Young Republican daughter; Ashton Holmes (A History of Violence) plays his son; and Sarah Jessica Parker is his former student-turned-doctor who becomes his love interest. Apparently Church’s character is more free spirited than the rest, and he probably teaches them all to have more fun in life. This sounds pretty unoriginal, but from what I’ve read the film as a whole works as a satire of academia and specialized knowledge. Of course, that doesn’t mean we’re going to enjoy any of those too-intelligent characters while waiting for them to relax.

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